JOLLYBLOGGER

Everything you need to know about Martin Luther

These past few weeks we have been celebrating graduation and one of the things we have done is that the mom has gone through the sons old schoolwork.  While going through one of the sons old schoolwork we found an essay that one of the sons wrote about Martin Luther when he was in 2nd grade (I think, it could have been third).  And so for all of you theologians, historians and others with similar interests I present to you the definitive paragraph on the life of Martin Luther from a 2nd grade Wayne kid.

Please note that in order to insure the authenticity of the text I have retained the original spelling, grammar and punctuation as much as possible.   Also, please note the advanced literary abilities of this Wayne kid - he uses an advanced literary technique which some uneducated people find fault with - he shifts from past tense to present tense in the middle of the essay.  While some may find fault with this it has the effect of making history come alive and seem as if it is happening today, right now.  I could go on and on about this kid's brilliance, but on to the essay.

Martin Luther was a monk.  He had a wife named Cathrine Von Bora.  He also had three children named Hans, Lenchen, and Martin.  A dog named Topel.  He lived in a monastery named Black Cloister.  He had a dimple on his chin.  He also had big shoulders.  He hates lawyers and Doctors.  He enjoys a good laugh.  He loves to sing and play the lute.  he says it makes the deive (note from editor - this is an ancient, more authentic spelling of the word "devil") run.  He loves to quote scuptirire.  He has a very bad temper.  He is also very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, smart.  He worte the ninty-five thesis.  He reads the bible about twice a year!  He thinks that Monks are fleas on God's fur coat.

So there you have it folks, what more needs to be said about Martin Luther after this? Please give proper attribution and use proper formatting when quoting this article for any academic papers, dissertations and reviews.  The author has grown up to become an eminently humble young man and prefers not to give his real name for this article so you can simply refer to the author as "A young Wayne kid."

Baltimore - A Great Place to Be if You're a Crab

I"m goofing off here getting ready to go to a show my daughter is in tonight - reading a tribute to Jim Murray, the greatest sportswriter of yesteryear, by Rick Reilly, the greatest sportswriter of thisteryear.  Murray had lots of opinions about different cities in America.  Here's what he said about Balitmore: 

"...a guy just standing on a corner with no place to go and rain dripping off his hat.  Baltimore's a great place to be if you're a crab." 

Badda bing, badda boom

A little entertainment to end the weekend/start the week

HT - As a Blog Returns to It's Vomit

In this country, a black man still can't catch a break

Today's news from the Onion.  Thanks to my friend and fellow pastor Paul Warren for keeping me in the news loop on this.

WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America.

And . . .

The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it. Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, "It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can't catch a break."

Read the whole thing - "Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job."

Some In-Depth Christian Investigative Reporting

This is too good -

Friday Fun with the Raspyni (sp?) Brothers

I found this on TED today - showed it to the family - we all loved it and the Jolly ladies told me I needed to put this on the blog for your entertainment - enjoy in a Jolly fashion.

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

OK, this is one of those things that came in an e-mail forward and I usually don't keep things going.  But this one was from my mom and the simple home remedies in this are just too good not to share with you.  I think many can benefit from the things in this list.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem

Judge Rules in Sermon Sharing Scandal

Evangelical churches and ministries across America are reeling today after a lower court in Manhattan found the defendants guilty in the "U.S. vs. 'Rev. John Smith'" sermon sharing case. 

On April 1, 2007 the justice department filed charges against thousands of pastors and seminary students across America.  Due to the large number of parties involved, the justice department simply designated the defendant as "Rev. John Smith" to represent the whole. 

At the center of the suit are the sermons and writings of Rev. Timothy J. Keller of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan.  After an intensive three year investigation the justice department uncovered an extensive network of  pastors, seminary students and other church workers who downloaded hundreds of sermons by Rev. Keller, distributed them and preached them regularly in churches across America.

Lead investigator Roscoe P. Coltrane commented, "we received a tip from an elderly lady from Flynt, MI named Lois McGillicuddy.  Being retired, she travels extensively throughout America and is in a different church every Sunday. She noticed that she kept hearing the same sermons over and over and after three years of this became suspicious and notified us.  We launched an investigation which uncovered a massive underground network of illegal sermon sharing.  Mrs. McGillicuddy was right, the same sermons are being preached over and over again in the churches throughout America, and they all are tied to Keller."   

The means for sharing these sermons are various.  Coltrane noted that the recent explosion of "Christian leadership conferences" has been a major source of sermon sharing - "On any given day, one to two dozen of these 'leadership conferences' is being held in churches, conference and convention centers across America.  And these conferences are multiplying like rabbits, we estimate there are three to four new nationwide leadership conferences announced every week. Ninety percent of the pastors in America attend 6 or more of these conferences a year, as well as a large percentage of seminary students and others training for ministry."  Coltrane went on to point out that these are prime opportunities for sermon sharing.  "Attendees will frequently be found exchanging small USB devices containing pirated sermons, and there are many hallway and backroom conversations telling each other where to find more."

Saturday Humor - this is hilarious

Here's a humor piece you just have to read.  It is by Nono, who is one of the blogging Pruitt's from our church.  You probably know my friend Terry Pruitt from his blog, but all of his daughters have blogs too, and his wife has one that she updates every other blue moon (hint, hint Big Red!).  If you go to Terry's blog he has a list of "Blogs I Frequent," where you can see links to all of the daughter's blogs.  They are all lovely, talented and witty.  This one is from Nono, the next to the last daughter. 

Nono's Blog is called "Mischief Managed," with the subtitle "I Solemnly Swear I Am Up to No Good."  The post I am referencing is called "Why I Blew Up the Kitchen."  Her opening line is one of the best I have seen:

It must be taken to account that that day was a particularly dull day.

And one of the closing lines is:

Little did I know that the cup was filled with one of my little sisters experiments and was a mixture of alcohol and hairspray and gasoline? Of course she did have a note on it that said Very flammable on it, but who’s going to stop and read notes?

Trust me, you will be happy to read the in-between stuff - it's a scream. I see great things in this girl's future when it comes to writing.

Lacrosse Gloves

Scene 1

Time - a couple of months ago.

Place - a home somewhere in Maryland

Setting - dad is watching TV, minding his own business, doing no harm to no one, at peace with the world and life in general.  Teenage son enters the room . . .

Son:     Dad I need new lacrosse gloves.

Dad:     Huh?

Son:     I need new lacrosse gloves.

Dad:     Why do you need new lacrosse gloves?

Son:     Because my old ones are no good.

Dad:     What's wrong with them?

Son:     There old and there no good.

Dad:    What is no good about them?

Son:     The material on the fingers is worn out.

Dad:     And . . .

Son:     That's bad.

Dad:    Why is that bad?

Son:    Because  I can touch the stick.

Dad:    And that's a bad thing why?

Son:   Because there's no padding?

Dad:     ??????

Son:    And I think it's illegal

Dad:  Oh, now it's illegal . . .

Son:  Yeah it's illegal.

Dad:  . . .

Son walks away, tired of talking to a doorknob.