JOLLYBLOGGER

Some Great News

Hi everyone, here's a health update.

I got some bloodwork results today and my bloodwork is the best it has been since I was diagnosed with cancer.  The CEA is a blood tumor marker for colon cancer.  A person without cancer would have a 0-3, a smoker might have up to a 5 or a 6.  Anything over that indicates metastatic activity.  People with severe metastatic activity could have numbers in the hundreds, mine was in the 70's when I was first diagnosed.

Today, my CEA was 1.2.

My family and I are rejoicing in God's goodness to us in this and I wanted to share it with you.  Again, many thanks to all of you who have prayed for me over these last two years.

This doesn't mean I'm without cancer.   My latest scans show many tumors still present.  But they have all shrunk.  And although this CEA marker isn't the last word, when the number decreases it shows that the cancer is being surpressed.  So, even though the tumors are still there the cancer is being suprressed.

As far as treatment goes, I am currently on a maintenance treatment with a drug called "Avastin."  The medical folks call this a "biologic," it's different than what we typically think of as chemo.  Avastin has always been one of the drugs I have gotten in my chemo cocktail, but now it is the only thing I am on.  It doesn't have near the side effects as the others.  The only real side effects are bleeding and high blood pressure.  I haven't had any bleeding, and the blood pressure is being managed with medication.

These days I am still pretty fatigued and sleep a lot, but I am thankful that most of the other ugly side effects I had when I was on the full regimen are gone.  My nurses have told me that chemo patients can struggle with fatigue for up to 5 years, so it actually helps to know that - though I wish I had more energy this fatigue is not unusual.

The plan now is to continue the maintenance treatment and I'll get these blood tests every couple of months or so.  I will have another CT scan in January.  If the CEA goes up or other blood stuff gets goofy or if the scan shows tumor growth then we have to consider other things.  But for now, for at least the next 2 months I get to live a fairly normal life, just going in for the maintenance treatment every other week.

So again, thanks first and foremost to God for these days of respite.  And also, many, many thanks to all of you who have prayed for me and my family.

The Trouble with Miracle Cures

I've tried to cut down on the cancer posts a bit.  Cancer tends to dominate your life once you have it and one way of not letting it not dominate your life is to talk about other things so I've been back on some of the other stuff lately.  But I came across a post from David Darlington over at In The Agora today that I needed to share.

David is also dealing with cancer and, like most everyone with cancer I suppose, is also dealing with a steady stream of friends offering miracle cures.  It would have taken me thousands of words to say what he said here succinctly.  He has given me permission to reprint this post so please read this and carefully consider his words if you know someone who has cancer or some other serious illness.

Greetings! I hope this letter finds you well. I’m dropping you a quick note today to express my appreciation for all you’ve done for me during my cancer trial this past year. Your love and support means more than I can express in words, and your actions have lifted me up in my time of need.

But if I may be so bold, there is has been one area where your assistance has been more of a distraction than an aid. I am speaking of your passing along of miracle cures and alternative therapies you’ve heard about or read on the internet. While I appreciate the intent behind you sending me these things, they have generally been of little constructive use. Cancer patients are bombarded daily with helpful suggestions about beating their disease, and separating the wheat from the chaff is so often an overwhelming task, especially as most alternative cures have no scientific evidence that they contribute to one’s well being.

Since President Nixon declared War on Cancer in 1971, the government has spent hundreds of millions of dollars fighting this disease, with about the same level of success that it has had in its other “War on…” efforts, like Poverty, Drugs, or Terrorism. That is to say, marginal. Yes of course, there have been some significant breakthroughs in chemotheraputic drugs and, more recently, biologic agents like Avastin. But there is still a ways to go. As my friend, you know my general skepticism towards government spending and of the government’s ability to bring about massive advances in science and technology. But, if cancer could really be cured by that asparagus diet email that was sent around, or that cottage cheese and flaxseed diet Dr. Google recommended, do you really think the government would have spent all this money fighting cancer? Don’t you think that if these common foods could really cure cancer magically, we’d know this already?

And another thing—supplements. I read your most recent issue of Life Forever magazine (or whatever it was called). I’ve kept an open mind about these things, but if an article about the benefits of a certain supplement is accompanied by a full page ad for that supplement brought to you by Life Forever Inc., doesn’t that get your skeptic sense tingling just a little? Aren’t you the least bit concerned that they’ve cherry-picked the scientific studies that showed their supplements in the most favorable light?

Now please don’t call me a hypocrite on this issue. You’ve been to my apartment and seen the vitamin bottles on top of my refrigerator. The first is your standard supermarket multivitamin. Doctors’ opinions on these things range from positive to “meh.” Most will tell you that you don’t need them if you have a good diet, but most Americans’ diets are so poor that taking a vitamin supplement as an adult is not a bad idea. The next bottle, fish oil supplements loaded with Omega-3s, are hot and trendy right now I know, but there is some evidence that this “good fat” helps with inflammation and other heart issues. And since most Americans don’t eat a lot of fish—I can’t blame them, as our fish stocks have enough mercury that Soviet Russia would be proud—having fish oil supplements doesn’t seem like a bad idea. The next bottle contains Vitamin D3, which has been proven to help cancer patients, as tumors tend to suck the vitamin away from other parts of the body.

So my friend, before you forward me something, please think first. Don’t just send it along because it might be “helpful.” Consider whether or not there would be any logical or scientific reason for your suggestion to work. You know how sore I was when, the very day I was diagnosed, my primary internist tried pushing the Mediterranean Diet, and how relieved I was when my oncologist said basically, “dude, you already have cancer. Eat whatever you want as long as it doesn’t make you sick” (BTW, still love Dr. Marshall).

Despite my comments above, I appreciate the support you have given me the past year. I appreciate the free dinners, the prayers, the nights in together, and the rides to Georgetown for treatment (and yeah, I’m aware that parking at GUH costs more than parking at an NHL playoff game. They should make it health insurance deductible). I’m starting a clinical trial in a couple weeks, so your continued prayers would be appreciated. Thank you for all you’ve done.

Much love and warmest regards,
DMD

Health Update 9-16-10 and a Few Thoughts on the Kindness of God

Hi everyone it's me, the blogger formerly known as the Jollyblogger.  Just thought I'd pop in to say hi and see what it's like to blog again. 

Over the last few months chemo really got to me so I didn't do much of anything, but I'm kind of coming out of the fog now and thought I'd go ahead and give you an update. 

I had a CT scan a couple of weeks ago and the results are good.  I found out that I actually have 5 or 6 tumors in my lungs, so that wasn't a happy thing.  But they have been there all along and the reason nobody made a big deal of it apparently was that there were only two that were big enough to be of any concern. 

The good news is that, in the 18 months or so that I have been on chemo all of the tumors have shrunk significantly.  The biggest tumor was obviously in my colon, hence the surgery in December of 08 and the next biggest one was about 2.5 inches in my life.  There was another one in my liver almost that big.  The good news is that both of those tumors have shrunk till they are only about a centimeter now and all of the tumors in my lungs are a centimeter or less.  There was no dramatic change in size in any of them since my last CT scan in April, but there were a  couple that may have shrunk a millimeter or so. 

The best news is that I am getting a break from chemotherapy.  It was getting me down and I was getting to the point where I feared having to continue with chemo almost as much as I feared getting a bad report on the CT scan.  So I have the month of September completely off with no chemo at all.  Then in October I'll go on a maintenance regimen with a medicine called Avastin.  Technically, the medical personnel don't put this one in the same category as "chemo" drugs.  It's what they call a "biologic" (I think that's the word) and it works by cutting off blood supply to tumors.  This has been a part of the cocktail I have been getting all of this time and come October it will be the only thing I'll get.  The only real side effects it has is that it increases blood pressure and it can cause bleeding.  So I do have to watch out for bleeding but over the whole of my treatment I have had only minimal bleeding in my mouth and nose and it's been much less over the last few months.  My BP has gone up a bit but I have some medicine. 

So the bottom line is that I expect minimal if any side effects.  I'll see the doc again in November and I suppose we'll schedule another CT scan at that time.  If there is no growth in tumors I'll get to stay on this maintenance regimen.  But needless to say I am very happy that I can look forward to almost three months without chemo.  

Right now I've been sick all week and I don't know if I'm still just recovering from the chemo or if I have come down with something, but I do expect to get better and start enjoying life. 

Every Christian Delights in Even the Smallest Point of Doctrine

Well, both Dan Phillips and my wife have told me I need to blog more.  It's understandable when someone like Dan Phillips would say you need to blog more, but with all of that old talk we used to have of "blog widows" its unusual when the wifey says you should blog.  So, anyway, if it's Dan and my wife that can only be a sign from God that I need to blog more.

Assuming I get back on track on this blogging thing I'll try to pick up on my last post with some more thoughts about healing and the like.  For now I'll give you a quick update on my health and share something I read today which I think is important.

As to my health, it's good.  There's no real change in the long term prognosis, but I am doing well and responding well to the chemo.  The tumors are still shrinking so that's a good sign.  Basically, the doc says that they want me to stay on this regimen of chemo as long as it is working.  I am handling this regimen of chemo better than last year's.  I did have a couple of episodes of stomach trouble a month or so ago but for the most part fatigue is my biggest problem, so I sleep a lot.  I will definitely win sloth of the year award and the door on its hinges award.  But the good news is that, as long as I get my sleep I'm able to function pretty well for several hours a day. 

Some people will ask me from time to time if I am in good spirits and the answer to that is that I am in great spirits.  I've already walked this earth about 15 years longer than Jesus did, so I've been in the bonus round for quite some time now.  I am surrounded by a loving and fun family, a terrific church family and my temporal needs are being met.  To be sure I have some sober and somber moments but as a Christian I lack for nothing and whether I live or die I am pursued and live in the realm of goodness and mercy every day of my life.

So, 'nuff bout me.  I'm reading Walther's Law and Gospel, and I came across these good words today:

A person may pretend to be a Christian though in reality he is not.  As long as he in this condition he is quite content with his knowledge of the mere outlines of Christian doctrine.  Everything beyond that, he says, is for pastors and theologians.  To understand as clearly as possible everything that God has revealed - all of that is irrelevant for non-Christians.  However, the moment someone becomes a Christian, there arises in him a keen desire for the doctrine of Christ.  If they have not yet been converted, at the moment of their conversion even the most uncultured peasants are suddenly awakened and begin to reflect on God and heaven, salvation and damnation, etc..  They start to wonder about the deepest problems of human life.

Just take the Jews who flocked to Christ - or the apostles.  All those people heard Christ with great joy and were astonished because He preached with authority - in contrast to the scribes.  But the majority of those hearers never advanced beyond a certain feeling of delight and admiration.  The apostles too, were uneducated people, but they acted differently.  They did not stop where the rest stopped but posed all kinds of questions to Christ.  After hearing one of His parables, they said, "Explain to us the parable" (Matthew 13:36).  The conduct of the Bereans who searched the Scriptures daily (Acts 17:11) was similar.  It is, therefore, quite true what the Apology says: "Men of good conscience are crying for the truth and proper instruction from the Word of God.  Even death is not as bitter to them as when they find themselves in doubt regarding this matter or that.  Accordingly, they must seek where they can find instruction" (Muller, p.191.)

Striving to obtain truth and divine assurance is a necessary requirement even of an ordinary Christian.  However, with a theologian this is even more so the case.  A theologian who does not have the greatest interest in Christian doctrines would be unthinkable.  Even someone with only a budding faith in his heart regards even the smallest point as of great importance.  To such a one every doctrine is as precious as gold, silver, or gems.  God grant that this may be true for you too!

A Post for My Good Buddy Dan Phillips

Some of you, maybe most of you know Dan Phillips of TeamPyro fame.  When Dan notices that I have been silent on the internet for awhile he gets worried about me.  He sent me a comment the other day on a post letting me know that he's worried about me since it has been awhile since I posted. 

So this one is to say thanks to Dan and to anyone else out there who worries about me.  I am in a good season right now.  I am under chemo so I am still pretty much down and out for 4-7 days during any two week cycle.  But this time, though the main downtime is still caused by fatigue, it doesn't seem quite as painful as it did with the last go around.  Also, I know that God is using the prayers of my church and my friends out there in cyber land to bring physical sustenance to me and I live every day with the sense that I am living "under the mercy" as someone has said. 

When I am alert and up and running I am trying to give my attention to matters at home and church.  That's the main reason I haven't been blogging.  I still do read a fair number of blogs but don't feel the compulsion to post that I used to, as I often sense there are too many voices out there anyway, I don't need to add my own to the cacophony.  Still, every now and then I get an urge to write something so maybe I'll follow through on some of those urges soon. 

I did just finish reading James Davison Hunter's book To Change the World and he offers some helpful words on the nature of incarnational ministry and culture shaping.  There is nothing earth shattering about what I am about to write, but it makes sense - in the incarnation Jesus was fully present to the people amongst whom He lived.  Incarnational ministry will have a distinctly local flavor. This is one of my great regrets over the past years of blogging - that I let a desire to make a name for myself in cyberspace lead me to seek a presence there to the neglect of my presence locally, to my family and church.  I again offer my apologies to family and church for this. I'm not a total Luddite on this and I do see the value of writing on a blog, but I do think Hunter is write and offers some good words to those of us who love blogs.  We only have so many hours in a week, if Jesus' incarnation is any model for our interaction with the world then our interaction with the world will have a distinct local flavor where we are fully present and we will want to use the hours we have to the greatest effect locally.  So that explains a bit of where I have been - when I have some energy these days I try to spend that energy locally. 

And in addition to that, my reading mojo is really in gear these days.  I have always read a good deal but am reading and profiting more than ever from reading and I just find that I get greater joy out of reading and learning from the insights of others than I do from sharing my own thoughts. 

Still, I would be remiss and terribly ungrateful if I did not acknowledge the real friendships I have made in cyberspace and I do want to again thank all of you who pray for me.  Your prayers on my behalf are a true ministry of mercy and like I said, as time allows I do hope to spend some time back on the blog. 

And again, thanks to Dan - I'm doing good and thanks for worrying about me. 

Rest in Peace Michael Spencer

I have been a bit away from the computer these last couple of days and only heard of Michael Spencer's graduation this afternoon.  Indeed, a fellow pastor who is aware of my own limited prospects encouraged me to think of my remaining days as preparation for graduation.  It is a time when the graduate leaves home to the next phase of their life.  For who are left behind, we feel the keen sense of loss in saying goodbye to them and are sometimes overwhelemed with sadness and sorrow.  The graduate himself or herself will feel great sadness at leaving but anticipation at where the are going.

I may share more thoughts in coming days but indeed Michael has graduated and now sees the one he loved the most, face to face.  I rejoice that he sees Jesus and is unimpeded with and freed from the terrible diseases of the fall that caused him such pain over these last months.

For now, and I hope that maybe Denise Spencer or one of the kids might see this post, I just want to state my sincere love for Michael and appreciation for his many challenges to me and all those who read him.  We tangled a few times over some issues but we tangled as colleagues in  a similar pursuit of Jesus.  All in all, Michael always succeeded in what he sought ought to do - to make much of Jesus.  I am very glad I was able interact with him about these matters on a number of occasions. I'm glad that Michael sees who those of us who are left can only see from a distance and write about.

And he paves the way for several of us who will, unless God intervenes in a different direction, join him very soon.  I hope that we who are soon to be with Michael in the presence of Jesus will finish our callings well.  And I do pray that Denise and the kids will see, hear and feel the immense love that so many of us had for your beloved and that you are well cared for in these days and feel the love that is pouring in from all over for your family. 

Some Good News

With all of the bad news floating around the blogosphere about people with cancer I am happy to report some good news that I got today.

Different cancers have different tumor markers that show up in the blood and one of the markers for colon cancer is called the CEA.  Those of you who are healthy have a cea of 0-3, sometimes heavy smokers may have have a CEA of 3-6, so anything above a 6 is a cause for concern.  It shows that tumors are active.

When I first started chemotherapy in January of '09, which was about a month after my colon resection, my CEA's were in the 50's.  By the end of my last course of treatment in July of '09 my CEA had gotten into the 30's.

And now, drumroll please, today I got my most recent CEA results - 6.4! 

I'm not out of the woods - CT scans will tell the most, but my nurse said this is definitely something worth being happy about.  This at least means that the cancer is being suppressed.

So, thanks be to God and thanks to all of you for all of your prayers and encouragement.

Update on Michael Spencer

Many of you probably know the name Michael Spencer, the Internet Monk.  Michael was recently diagnosed with cancer and today his wife Denise is reporting that his oncologist does not expect him to recover:

It is with a heavy heart that I bring my latest update on Michael. We have learned that his cancer is too advanced and too aggressive to expect any sort of remission. Our oncologist estimates that with continued treatment Michael most likely has somewhere between six months and a year to live. This is not really a surprise to us, though it is certainly horrible news. From the very beginning, both of us have suspected that this would prove to be an extremely bad situation. I don’t know why; perhaps God was preparing us for the worst all along by giving us that intuition.

She goes on to share about his faith during this time and God's blessings to him and the family.  Please join many of us in thanking God for Michael's ministry and praying for God's peace to be on him and his family.

Just last night I read the following words from the book "Grace Upon Grace" by John W. Kleinig, on p. 32.  These words were a balm for my soul and seem appropriate given Michael's situation.

God's gracious presence, the treasure of His glory and power, is hidden away out of sight inside us, like olive oil in a plain clay lamp.  We do not generate spiritual life and power but receive them from God as we expend them.  Paradoxically, His life, the life that we have in Christ, is most evident in our suffering, aging and dying.   Thus, "we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh" (2 Corinthians 4:11).  Glory in insignificance, life in death, strength in weakness, riches in poverty - all these mark our life in Christ.  Nothing is possessed, everything is borrowed from Him.

The life of Christ has indeed been evident in Michael - may it be also in all of us.

My Wife

I want to tell you a little bit about my wife Lynette.  But first I want to tell you about an old friend of mine.

When I was in seminary I became friends with a man named Neil.  Years before I met him Neil was an ultra-successful businessman who made more money than he knew what to do with, and who enjoyed all the spoils of his success.  It was nothing for him to take off for a few days to go sun himself in the Caribbean or to go to Colorado to go skiing for the weekend.  By the way, you've heard the next part of this story before.  In all of his success he forgot about his family and his wife left him.

After losing his wife, God got his attention, he came back to Christ and experienced the great forgiveness of Christ.  When I met him he was no longer living the high life, but seeking to follow Christ and taking some classes at seminary was a part of that.  I was especially thrilled for Neil later when he met a young widow who had lost her first husband to cancer.  They fell in love and got married.

I lost touch with Neil a bit but then ran into him one time at the seminary.  He had recently found out he had colon cancer and the outlook was grim.  Further, his new wife decided that she couldn't watch another husband die of cancer so she left him.   Neil later died.  I saw him one time before he died and his faith was strong and he was not bitter at all.  Still, this was one of the most horrible stories I had ever heard and I could never think about Neil without a feeling of sadness. 

I read recently that stories like Neil's are not that uncommon.  I read one statistic that said that 20% of cancer patient's spouses leave them.  It's usually the men who leave, but sometimes it's the wife.

This was the only colon cancer story I was familiar with until I found out that I had colon cancer with a similar prognosis to Neil's.  So obviously when I think about myself I sometimes think about Neil.

I have never doubted my wife's love for me and commitment to me.  I have never feared that she would leave me as Neil's wife did.  Still, I can't help but wonder what kind of toll my cancer will take on her.  I know she won't leave me but I have wondered if she will get sick of having to carry the load and if she will get to a point where she is just going through the motions and hoping I would die already so she can get on with her life.

Far from that grim prognosis, she has risen to the occasion.  As I have declined she has excelled in all areas of love and sacrifice.  Things aren't all bad mind you, I can still function in many ways and I'm not totally helpless - but I'm also not very helpful.  She has to carry most of the load.  While my affection for her is stronger than ever my ability to love her actively has diminished greatly. 

While I sleep till 10 or 11 every day she gets up early gets the kids to school, runs errands and does the regular housework.  She ferries them where they need to go and ferries me to and from doctors and hospitals, is constantly running to pick up a prescription or go get something I need. 

I had an aha moment a couple of weeks ago.  It was around 7 or 8 one evening and we had gone out to eat and were looking forward to relaxing at home watching TV and just being together.  Suddenly, a son of ours burst through the front door with four friends in tow and asked if those four friends could spend the night.  Of course this would involve going downstairs and taking over the TV for movies and games.  And needless to say this meant the end of our quiet evening together.

I fully expected her to say "are you nuts, barging in here at the last minute and taking over the house."  But before I could say anything she said "sure," then went downstairs and started cleaning up for the boys.

She has always been kind and loving but in that moment I realized just how selfless she has become.  This trial that she has endured has not made her angry or bitter nor full of self pity.  To be sure she has times of depression and great sadness.  But none of that stops her from loving me and her family.  In that moment with the son I saw that more clearly than ever.  If anyone deserved a break and a quiet evening with her husband she did, yet when called on to sacrifice for the joy of her son she did so willingly and gladly.  In fact, I think she even felt guilty about the whole thing because she didn't have the ingredients to make the boys pancakes for breakfast.  As far as I was concerned they could have rocks for breakfast.

On Valentine's Day I did a message on Christian love in which I contrasted "Love Christian Style" with "Love American Style."  Love American style is built on feelings - whatever love means to most of us, when we say we love someone we are talking about feeling a certain way about that.  Love American style is driven by passion and romance and intensity of feeling.

Love Christian style is not without feeling but it is far more than that.  Love Christian style is about laying down one's life for the beloved.  It is living in self-denying, cross carrying love for the other, preferring their good to one's own.  It doesn't ask how the beloved makes it feel, it asks how it may lay down one's life for the beloved.

After I did that sermon on Valentine's Day I found an article by Andrew Trees called "Romeo and Juliet Has Led Us Astray," wherein he shows how the Western ideals of romantic love have led us hopelessly astray.   Those who marry when most "in love" at least in the Western romantic sense are also most likely to divorce.

I am happy to say that my affection for my wife continues to grow and that romance is not absent from our lives. 

But romantic love can't carry you when one party has cancer and has almost nothing to contribute to the relationship.  I suppose we could flip to the other side and talk about a stoic "committed love," but that may enable two people to exist together in the midst of something like cancer, but it can't provide any real joy or beauty in such a life.

Christian, cross based love is the answer.  When the romance dwindles, when one party is too weak and sick to be passionate, or to meet the "needs" of the other, Christian cross based love can carry the day in such a way that the two can not only co-exist but live together with joy in the midst of trouble and even depression.

There's a lot I can't do but I am glad that I can at least still type.  Though she pretty much has to do all the giving these days and I do all the receiving I am glad that I can at least type out a story of my gratitude for my wife's example of Christian, cross driven love, of which I am the chief beneficiary.

Many of you have been very kind in encouraging me to keep writing and I hope that I can do so and be a blessing.  But I just want to go on record as saying that if you see that I am still standing, it's because I am being propped up by Lynette Wayne.

Health and Life Update 2-26-10

Hi everyone.  I'm not sure how many folks are still reading this blog but to those of you who are thanks, and I especially thank you for your prayers and encouragement.  Here's a few random updates.

The storm my daughter let you know about here on the blog back in January has passed.  I'm staying away from anti-depressants and I also didn't go back to Hopkins.  I know that Hopkins is one of the great medical institutions in the world and is doing much good, but things didn't go well for us there.  I am now at the small local no-name unknown hospital around the corner with the non-world famous docs and am receiving absolutely wonderful care.  Some day I may write a post singing their praises but suffice it to say for now that Lynette and I are at ease regarding all phases of my treatment for the first time.

I am back on chemo.  After the trouble in January I fled from doctors and treatment for a few weeks until I could hook up with this new team.  But I did resume chemo two weeks ago.  There have been two drugs in particular that have given me the most side effects throughout this experience and I am not on either at this time.   So I responded very well to my last treatment. 

I'm also feeling very good emotionally these days.  The dark cloud has lifted and even though my prognosis hasn't changed I am at ease, and so is Lynette.  

There has been much to glean from this experience and I hope to share some at some point.  When I was first diagnosed, after the initial trauma passed, I made it my goal to show the world how a Christian could face something like this with trust in Christ and with courage and joy.  Along the way my attitude has changed a bit.  I don't have quite the same compulsion to put myself out there publicly the way I used to.  Awhile back I read a post by Carl Trueman called "Fools Rush in Where Monkeys Fear to Tread," and this pretty much undid me as a blogger.  Trueman's post is all about the ways we engage in shameless self-promotion on the internet.  Sadly, this is me.  It would be one thing to desire to face cancer with courage and joy, it is quite another to desire to display myself to the world as one who is full of courage and joy.  Even with all of the salutary effects of these hard days, that desire for attention is alive and well in me.  I have always known that blogging was mainly a way of making a name for myself, but being sick has crushed my ambitions enough that an article like Trueman's could finally sink in.

At the same time I do believe God is doing something genuine through this and there is gold in this experience worth sharing and it may be that I can find a way to share some things in a helpful manner.  I hope I can, but if not you won't have missed anything.  Any thing I write will be simply along the applications and implications of the theology of the cross and there are far better writers on that subject than me.  If you need a place to get started read "The Hammer of God" by Bo Giertz.  That is now #2 on my all time list of most influential books outside the bible, right behind Pilgrim's Progress.