Ten Things I Think I Think About Marriage and Marriage Counseling

I so enjoyed writing last week's "ten things I think" post I thought I would do another. I won't be able to do these every week, a la Peter King, but when I've got something I feel strongly about maybe I'll do one.  Today I'd like to offer "Ten Things I Think I Think About Marriage and Marriage Counseling."

1. I think I think that most of us are missing the boat on marriage, but then again, I have to say that - otherwise why would you want to read my thoughts on marriage if I didn't try to set myself apart as the all-wise, all-knowing, all-superior guru on matters of the heart.  If you want to call me "Dr. Love," feel free.

2. But I think I think I really do mean what I said in point #1, I think.  I don't know exactly when it started, but I am guessing it was around the 60's and 70's that the church woke up to the divorce epidemic and since then we have had enough books, tapes (did they have any marriage 8-tracks way back when?), cd's, DVD's, seminars, retreats and whatnot to cover Greenland in material and consume years from the life of millions of people.  But I'm not sure how much of a dent all this is making. 

To be fair, in many cases all of the marriage stuff does help.  But I think that usually has more to do with something in the individual than the marriage stuff per se.

3. I think I think we focus too much on marriage and work too hard on our marriages to really be of any help.  I suppose I'll need to explain that last point because after all, don't we all know that "marraige is hard work."  Well, yeah, kind of.

One of my new favorite books is "The Inner Game of Tennis," by Timothy Gallwey.  I've wrote about this before and I think that some of Gallwey's insights apply here.  Gallwey has found that many of his students fail to improve at tennis because they try too hard.  They work too hard on making sure their footwork and stroke are just perfect.  Gallwey finds that these things actually become distractions that distract them from what needs to be done to get the ball over the net.  So he finds that he needs to distract these people from their distractions.  One technique he has used is to tell them to concentrate on the ball - to watch it's trajectory, it's spin, it's speed and things like that.  This gets them thinking about the ball, not their technique and often this helps them lighten up on themselves and they are paradoxically better able to get the ball over the net.

You probably are thinking by now that I'm off my rocker as this has nothing to do with marriage.  Also, with me being a pastor and all, I'm suppose to bring religion into this and here I am using the techniques of a who-knows-what-religion-he's-from-tennis-coach as a basis for Christian instruction on marriage.

But there is a link between Christian marriage and Gallwey's technique of "improving your tennis game by becoming less concerned about your tennis technique." It is this - the Scriptures show that God is comparatively unconcerned about your marriage and not focused on it much at all. 

Granted, I know that you are supremely concerned about your marriage and many are very focused on making it a good one and my guess is that, if you surveyed most Christians and churches they would say that the crisis in marriage and family is one of the most important issues facing the church today.

But a reading of the New Testament doesn't reflect an overwhelming concern with marriage and the family on the part of it's author (God!).

Which is not to say that God is unconcerned with marriage.  He does speak about it so He has some level of concern about marriage.  And Gallwey has some concern about technique.  If you are a right handed player and a ball is coming at you ten feet to your right I don't think he would suggest that it is indifferent whether you use a forehand or a backhand.  Similarly, there is a legitimate place for concern about marriage, but it's got to be kept in proper perspective.

My reason for saying this is that as you look at the thousands of verses in the New Testament there's probably only a few dozen that have anything to do with marriage.  The paucity of references to marriage do not authorize us to disobey God's standards for marriage - if there were only one verse in the bible on marriage we would be bound to obey it.  But the paucity of references to marriage suggest that God has other and higher priorities than marriage. 

And so should we.

4. Therefore I think I think it would be prudent for all who are obsessed with improving our marriages and "working hard" on them to rethink our priorities and align them with God's priorities.  I also think I think that if we do this we will be like Gallwey's tennis students - just as those who quit focusing as strongly on their techniques dramatically improve their techniques, so those who quit focusing as strongly on improving their marriages will dramatically improve their marriages.  To that end I think I am thinking about offering some thoughts on what this might look like practically.  And for my first thought I'll use the book in the New Testament that gives us the most extensive marriage advice as a basis.  That book is Ephesians and it gives us two whole paragraphs on the marriage relationship, along with a very short paragraph on how to be a good Christian kid and one sentence on how to be a good Christian parent. This is a veritable encyclopedia on marriage and family compared to other books in the New Testament.

5. I think I think the first thing to notice is that all of this marital advice comes at the tail end of a long series of expositions and explanations of vital Christian doctrine.  The marital advice is just kind of tacked on at the end as one application of the crucial doctrinal matters that precede it.  I think it is not too big a stretch to infer from this that understanding all of this doctrine is foundational to understanding our roles in marriage.

Ergo, while it is ok to read a marriage book and/or go to a marriage conference, your time would be better spend reading expositional and theological tomes and going to bible/theology conferences.  Again, the marriage stuff is good, but without the extensive biblical/theological grounding you need to apply the marriage advice.  Going straight to the marriage advice without taking the extended time to understand the biblical/theological basis will be like putting the proverbial bandaid on cancer.

6. I think I think that, while we are focusing on other things besides marriage in order to improve our marriages, there are other relational issues we ought to think about before thinking about the marriage relationship, and that form a foundation for thinking about marriage.

For instance, a husband and wife are more to each other than husband and wife.  When I am counseling couples in crisis I usually get dragged into discussions of what it means to be a good husband or wife. Usually it's the husband who is very concerned that we understand what the bible says about being a good wife, and the wife is very concerned about what it means to be a good husband.

I would be very happy if they would forget about what it means to be a husband and wife and just begin by thinking about what it means to be a human being, and how one human being relates to one another.

In the beginning God created two human beings and put them together in a partnership to rule over creation.  They were to be in partnership with one another, each helping the other fulfill the creation mandate, and they were to have dominion over the animals and rule over them.

Almost every serious marital conflict I get involved in eventually becomes a contest of wills, and the struggle is over whose "will" will prevail.  This is a contest to rule.  Mind you it is usually all presented in the most spiritual of ways, with husbands pointing out the woman's responsibility to submit and women pointing out the husband's responsibility to be like Jesus, and both remaining defiant till the other submits to their understanding of God's word for the other.

This makes marriage about dominion rather than partnership and not only undermines the marital relationship, it undermines our identity as humans.  Humans are to rule over animals, not each other.
(For now I'll forgo the whole discussion of government - yes I believe in government and I believe that government "rules." I am also a complimentarian, believing in a kind of hierarchy in the family.  But for the Christian all of that is conditioned on a prior and more important basis of a shared humanity and responsibility to serve one another.

So again, I think our marriages could be improved if we thought about what it means to be human before thinking about what it means to be a husband or wife.

7.  I think I think that many marriages could be improved if we could just treat each other as neighbors, before considering the husband-wife relationship.  We are to love our neighbors as ourselves. You may try to sinfully justify your failure to be the husband you ought to be based upon your wife's failure to be what she ought to be, but even if you do that, you can't get away from your responsibility to treat her at least as a neighbor.  Even if she's a bad wife, she's your neighbor and you are to love her as much as you love yourself.  This would go a long way to improving many marriages.

8. I think I think that we could improve many marriages if we could treat one another as enemies.  In fact, I think that in many cases the relationship could improve immeasurably if Christians could elevate their spouse to that of an enemy.

Biblically, the Christian is called to love his/her enemy. According to Matthew 5 the Christian doesn't retaliate against his enemy, gives twice what the enemy asks, works twice as hard for the enemy as the enemy wants and blesses the one who treats them badly.

I'm thinking that if I weren't a Christian I would want to be the enemy of a Christian, because that's a pretty sweet deal relationally.

I think I think that many Christian marriages could be a little heaven on earth if the partners would quit worrying about what it means to be a "Christian husband" or "Christian wife" and just learn how to relate to one another as enemies.

9.  I think I think that many Christian marriages could be enormously more happy if the spouses would put aside the fact that they are married to one another and just treat one another as if they were Christians. Galatians 6:10 tells us to do good to all men, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.  In other words, of all the relational duties we owe to each other as humans, as neighbors and as enemies, we are to be especially careful to fulfill these duties to fellow Christians.

If you are claim to be a Christian and are married to a Christian you owe your spouse all of the things you owe any other human being, just more so.

In my pre-marital counseling and marriage counseling I try to tell people that there is no special category of counsel called "marital counseling" it's all about basic Christian discipleship.  This takes me back to my first point where I say we are missing the boat in marriage and marriage counseling.

Most marital advice talks about communication, roles, understanding each other's needs and other assorted whatnot.  That stuff has some value, but the value is infitessimal compared to the importance of simply being a Christian in marriage.  To be a Christian is to take up one's cross to follow Jesus.  It is to die daily to self.  It is a lifelong process of saying no to self and yes to Christ.

John Calvin said that the sum total of the Christian life is self-denial.  That's what basic Christian discipleship is about - learning to live a life of self-denial that we might know Christ.  That is the sum-total of Christian marriage - marriage becomes an arena where we can practice self-denial to follow Christ. No amount of understanding communication, roles and needs can compensate for a refusal to die daily to ones self.

I tell my pre-marital counselees that some big fights and disillusionment are coming ahead. Those are crucial moments that test not so much our marriage but our commitment to Christ.  When a big conflict comes I tell them that is a good opportunity to play "who wants to be a Christian?"

10. I think I think that the marriage relationship is the closest thing we can get to heaven on earth, but before we can attain such wedded bliss we have to become humans, neighbors, enemies and Christians towards one another.  Once you've got all of that down you can move on to fulfill the most important aspect of marriage - and that is to pursue a common calling of bringing whatever sphere of influence you have together under the dominion of Christ. 

This affirms my earlier point about losing focus on the marriage. When God brought Adam and Eve together He didn't give them a bunch of advice on how to relate to one another - He gave them a task, a calling.  For them marital happiness was found in their partnership in the calling which God gave them, not in their efforts to build a happy marriage.

So there you have it.  Get all of that down and there's only one thing left to do - go have s . . .

Comments

[matt e.]

Bravo! Gives me much food for thought.

[David Zook]

Refreshing analysis...excellent advice.

[Dan Phillips]

Is a "complimentarian" a person who believes men and women should say nice things about each other?

I'm in.

(c;

[Dan Phillips]

All right, now you've done it, David. I've written an interaction which, Lord willing, I'll put up at Pyromaniacs. Someday. Lord willing. Probably this week.

[Bill @ How to Save Marriage]

It's always been fascinating to me how spouses can fight and bicker and treat each other with far less civility and respect than they would give to a clerk at McDonald's - meanwhile wondering what steps they can take to save their marriage.

You hit the nail on the head with this post!

[Dan L.]

This is really good, and I agree with almost all of it. One comment on #5. I think you make a great point on how doctrine is the foundation for much marital advice. However, those of us who are really into theology might over-apply that and think all we need to do is theology. Meanwhile, we are missing a common-sense blind-spot that some of the good marriage books, conferences, and counseling might show us that we otherwise could miss.

[David Wayne]

Thanks for the kudos guys. Dan P. I'll look forward to your response, er "interaction." I'm on vacation for a few days so if you get it out this week I may not catch it, but I'll try to. And yes, I believe husbands and wives should make a habit of saying nice things about each other.

Bill - what a great way to sum up - I agree, many treat strangers far better than they do their spouses.

Dan L. - I agree with that and it is a needed corrective to my point. I have known some folks who were deeply into theology who couldn't take the next step of applying it to their marriages, or any other part of their lives for that matter. I should say something about "applied theology" here. I'll try to do that if I ever follow up on this.

[Clint Vernoy]

Alot of good thoughts from a different perspective. I will probably use this perspective in some of my teaching here in Paraguay. What a shock method to get Christians attention by starting off with "We need to treat each other like enemies!!!" I am definitely borrowing that one.

[BDR]

Hey, thanks for this wonderful post! It is refreshing to be encouraged again to be a Christian, after so much talk about what it means to be a man/woman.

[David]

Isn't what we are eagerly waiting for is the marraige supper of the Lamb? That culmination of all things.?

I was always taught that it is proably God's will for most to marry. What a privledge to show to the world a glimpse of what Christs realtionship with His church should look like. I mean who else can do that?

I'm not sure I agree with the premise of your article. It's pretty big in my thinking although not bigger than my Love for Jesus

[Molly]

This was absolutely delicious.

I'm a former patriarchalist (aka, "hard complementarian", etc), now egalitarian. Eight years of concentrating hard on who's role was what (and making sure mine was the submissive one, etc), about near killed us as individuals and as a couple. Recovery has been painful, costly, and yet also life-giving (drinking deep of His grace and His gentle healing balm).

One of hte things I realized, while stumbling out of patriarchaldom, was how I'd divorced the small part of Ephesians 5 from the rest of the letter. You said it so well: "The marital advice is just kind of tacked on at the end as one application of the crucial doctrinal matters that precede it."

I cut and pasted some of this beautiful post, giving you credit (of course) for it, over at Complegalitarian.
http://complegalitarian.blogspot.com

Thanks thanks thanks a thousand times over for such wise words.

[Lin]

This is the wisest thing I have read in ages.

[Save My Marriage]

But the thing about marriage counselors is that so many of them just want you to sit there and talk about all your past problems and you feel targeted during sessions. And even if you do accomplish anything, its usually how to "communicate effectively" which only makes you better roommates - NOT better spouses... I read a few articles about an ALTERNATIVE to marriage counseling at www.marriagefitness1.com and they were so much more helpful because instead of dealing with all of your problems, it deals with how to move forward. They were soooo helpful! Good luck with everything!

[Julie]

This is excellent. Thank you for writing it.

[Free]

Incredible!

[Free]

Incredible!

[Why Marriage Counseling]

Every couple and families facing problem in their family and marriage relationship and want to resolve their conflicts completely and permanently, for effective marriage counseling program you must look for licensed family counselor or therapists. Christian counseling is very effectual for solving family and couples relationship problem. Licensed marriage counselors are very proficient and experienced in dealing with all kind of relationship conflict and consequent mental health illness. You will learn conversation skills, conflict management tricks and anger management tips to make your marriage relationship works. But marriage counseling is costly then other relationship saving programs and marriage fitness program is an alternative to marriage counseling.
http://www.marriage-counselors.net/

[M. J. Miller MEd, LPC, LCSW]

Thanks for these thought provoking message on marriage. I think your statement in point 10 is a good summary of your message:

"I think I think that the marriage relationship is the closest thing we can get to heaven on earth, but before we can attain such wedded bliss we have to become humans, neighbors, enemies and Christians towards one another. "

With over 30 years of Christian counseling experience, I could not agree with you more. If we can help people become mindful of just becoming what the Lord wants us to be, marriages will likely improve substantially on their own.

Thanks again,
M. J. Miller, LPC, LCSW
Christian Family Guidance Center

[Anna Dawson]

Honesty and respect are, to me, two of the most facets of a marriage. And the ability to communicate. If you can't do that then really, what have you got?

[idaho divorce]

There is no marriage or relationship out there that is always smooth sailing. A marriage is never free from trouble, problems or obstacles. The main factor is when couples are faced with marriage troubles, how they navigate through those problems and coming up triumphant is important.

[Brad Ashley]

I never realised that there were so few references to marriage in The Bible. I understand your point about treating each other as enemies to make you work twice as hard, but I don't really subscribe to that theory at all. That is going a step too far in my opinion, I think couples should treat each other as best friends who are always there for each other.That's what really makes a marriage work.http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk