I'm teaching a Sunday School class on the Ten Commandments now and tomorrow I will be covering the fifth commandment - to honor your father and mother.
In the class almost the whole time will be devoted to the duties that children owe to their parents, and I won't have the time to speak to parents about the duties they owe to their children.
This is a large topic with much to say, particularly from the book of Proverbs. But, a few years ago a friend told me that there is only one command in the New Testament that gives specific instruction on how a parent is to relate to their child. As an aside I think the whole New Testament applies to parenting as parenting is simply the application of the Christian life to a particular kind of relationship. But still, it is interesting that there is only one narrowly focused command and it is found in Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21.
Ephesians 6:4 says:
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Colossians 3:21 says:
Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.
New American Standard Bible : 1995 update. 1995 . The Lockman Foundation: LaHabra, CA
My friend pointed out that the theme here is provocation/exasperation/anger and the probable reason this is given is that this is the sin most fathers are most likely to be guilty of. With that in mind, I thought I would share a few thoughts from some commentaries on this.
John Calvin on Ephesians 6:4
4. And, ye fathers. Parents, on the other hand, are exhorted not to irritate their children by unreasonable severity. This would excite hatred, and would lead them to throw off the yoke altogether. Accordingly, in writing to the Colossians, he adds, “lest they be discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21.) Kind and liberal treatment has rather a tendency to cherish reverence for their parents, and to increase the cheerfulness and activity of their obedience, while a harsh and unkind manner rouses them to obstinacy, and destroys the natural affections. But Paul goes on to say, “let them be fondly cherished;” for the Greek word, (ἐκτρέφετε,) which is translated bring up, unquestionably conveys the idea of gentleness and forbearance.
Andrew Lincoln in the Word Biblical Commentary on Ephesians 6:4
Fathers are made responsible for ensuring that they do not provoke anger in their children. This involves avoiding attitudes, words, and actions which would drive a child to angry exasperation or resentment and thus rules out excessively severe discipline, unreasonably harsh demands, abuse of authority, arbitrariness, unfairness, constant nagging and condemnation, subjecting a child to humiliation, and all forms of gross insensitivity to a child’s needs and sensibilities. The sentiments of Ephesians are in line with such advocates of moderation as Menander—whose sayings (e.g., “a father who is always threatening does not receive much reverence” or “one should correct a child not by hurting him but by persuading him”) are preserved in the section “How Fathers Ought to Behave to Their Children” in Stobaeus, Anth. 4.26.7, 13—and Ps.-Phocylides 207, “Do not be harsh with your children but be gentle.” So this writer does not exhort fathers to exercise their authority. Instead, he presupposes that authority and then sets the bounds for its use. He also presupposes that children are not just property over whom the father has legal rights. They are owed dignity as human beings in their own right.
Walter Hendriksen on Colossians 3:21
Fathers should create an atmosphere which will make obedience an easy and natural matter, namely, the atmosphere of love and confidence. They should bring up their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Eph. 6:4).152 When fathers are unjust or overly severe, a spirit of sullen resignation is created in the hearts of their offspring. The children “lose heart,” thinking, “No matter what I do, it’s always wrong.” There should be no nagging, no constant “Don’t do this” and “Don’t do that.” Though the negative admonition (“Don’t”) cannot and must not be avoided and is at times definitely in place (note the repeated “Thou shalt not” of the Decalogue, in the teaching of Jesus, and in Paul’s epistles, including this very passage!), the emphasis must be on the positive (Rom. 12:21). A good father spends time with his children, teaches, entertains, and encourages them, and by his example as well as by outright, verbal instruction, points them to Christ. Though the rod of correction may at times be necessary, it must be used with discretion, since wise reproof is generally better than a hundred stripes (Prov. 13:24; 23:13, 14; then 17:10). Paul’s admonition not to embitter the children — hence, to be kind to them — is quite different from the advice given to fathers by Ben Sira: “He who loves his son will whip him often.… Bow down his neck in his youth, and beat his sides while he is young” (Ecclus. 30:1, 12). How friendly and fatherly!
152 For a 15-point discussion of Principles and Methods of Education in Israel see N.T.C. on I and II Timothy and Titus, pp. 296–301.
Richard Melik New American Commentary on Colossians 3:21
Parents (3:21). 3:21 In the Lord, parents have a mutual responsibility to children. There is a command and a practical reason. Parents are told not to embitter their children. Paul used the term “fathers” in addressing the parents. The term may easily encompass both father and mother, as it does here, but it also served to remind them that the fathers bore a primary responsibility for the children in the home. Paul meant that they should not embitter or irritate their children. The word “embitter” (erethizō) occurs only one other time in Scripture (in 2 Cor 9:2). This speaks of an irritation or even nagging. Parents embitter children by constantly picking at them, perhaps refusing to acknowledge their efforts. The fact that children might become discouraged suggests that the parents too easily reminded the children that they were not good enough. This activity had no place in the Christian home. If correction were needed, it should have been toward the behavior of the child, not the child’s personhood, and it should have been enforced quickly. Discipline was not to be prolonged so that nagging occurred.
The reason for the command was to avoid discouragement. Constant nagging produces a situation where children are discouraged either because they cannot please those they love or because they feel they are of no worth to anybody.
I'm also teaching this Sunday our PCA church's adult Sunday school class on the Fifth Commandment. The best resources I've found in preparation are:
The study at this link: http://www.bible.org/page.asp?page_id=151
Cotton Mather's "A Well-Ordered Family" (see the last sermon)
Martin Luther's writings, found here: http://www.ondoctrine.com/2lut0908.htm
If you have helpful resources to recommend that could help me serve my people in this area, I would gladly check into them.
Posted by: Tim Bailey | July 10, 2006 at 07:53 AM
Tim - thanks for the tips.
I am using a curriculum from Desiring God on the Ten Commandments. It's a curriculum to teach the whole family together during Sunday School. It's pretty good but it is geared to very young children so I'm having to do a lot of adapting to hit the level of teenagers.
Posted by: David Wayne | July 14, 2006 at 11:04 AM
sigh, wish my mother had seen this 2 decades ago!
Posted by: Eleanor | September 22, 2006 at 01:47 AM
It is so hard to grow up in a family where there is hatred and constant embitternment. My father hurt me and my other siblings by kicking, hitting belt or by a wooden broom. But more than the physical hurts were the hurtful words that stayed longer, penetrating the soul. He told me that I was ugly -- the ugliest in the family. That I was not capable to do anything, slow, and doesnt deserve to carry his surname. At the earliest age I could think, maybe at the age of 4 or 5, I remember distinctly while I was playing that he told his companions that I was not his child. Boy, I felt relieved! I rehearsed it over and over and even asked my mother to bring me to my true father. She will just smile and will say, he's just joking. At the age of 21, he put his arms on my shoulder and told me he was kidding when he said that (I heard him say that not only once). All his words were contradicted, maybe it was payback time but it was God who made it happen. I graduated with top honors and won a beauty pageant. Despite his pulling downs, God constantly pulled me up. I may not have an earthly father who cherished and loved me but I have Him that's why our relationship became intimate. I tell the Lord everything and He is my true father! Right now, I am a Sunday School Teacher as well. There are times that i struggle with my emotions but God's grace is sufficient. I admit my weaknesses and He helps me. Vengeance is not ours, it's the Lord's. Right now, despite being ridiculed by my earthly father, I am the only one among his children that supports him monetarily. I send him a monthly allowance so he could survive. Do I love him? The answer is simply No but I have forgiven him and I have moved on since the day the Lord became my Abba father. God bless.
Posted by: marge from canada | March 19, 2008 at 09:44 AM
My husband is repeating patterns of behavior to our children that was brought upon him by his parents. He constantly nags the children. My daughter ran away from home to be with her boyfriend because he was her "knight in shunning armor". She is struggling but rather do that than come home. My 9 year old told me he hates his father. My husband has not a clue even when I remind him that he and his siblings ran away because of the same thing done by both his parents. I am ready to leave him because I cringe when I hear his words! The worse part is he is a "bible scholar", deacon, and Sunday School teacher. He is constantly quoting scriptures, giving advice to other people, and cannot see his own family crowing under is constant nagging and know-it-all mannerism.
Posted by: Darcel | May 24, 2008 at 11:35 PM
Again only examples of bad fathers. On this fathers day you embarrass yourself by only posting things about bad fathers.
Do you ever think and maybe should on fathers day about the fathers that raised children that were not thier own? Fathers who lost thier children to drug addict mothers because the court is so slurred in the favor of women. Fathers who are the rocks in thier family?
Your interpretation of Christian and teaching our children only about bad fathers is horrible. Each word as if Fathers provide no benifit.
I am sure God wants you to focus on the few that are bad.
And as for the crying that fathers were always the enforcers of law around the home, can it. In reality and when you grow up you will look back as most mature women do and say, no love was greater than my fathers. He took the time to fight the battles of bad grades, skipping school and doing home work. He stood even through Mom who wanted to cuddle thier children until they were 18. You need that love from Mother, that tenderness. Dads tenderness is different. You can see it in his eyes and calised hands.
Do your young Sunday schoolers a chance to love thier fathers, preach love not hate for fathers. Help them understand good fathers feel that they are responsible for thier children and the entire family.
Posted by: Todd | May 29, 2008 at 11:57 AM
I wish I had known a "good father" as you talk about here. Face it, this is not the norm.
Posted by: withdrawn | October 10, 2009 at 05:22 PM
Post above is directed to "Todd"...
Posted by: withdrawn | October 10, 2009 at 05:23 PM