How to Survive a Week Without the Wife and Kids

Mrs. Jolly and the Jolly offspring have been on a mission trip this week and so I have had a week alone, batching it, going solo, all by myself.

I don't like it when they are gone.  It's too quiet and I can't sleep without my wife in the bed beside me.  I realize that there are some men who love it when their family is gone because they can do all kinds of things that they couldn't do while they were around.  I'm not that way and yes, I have already been called a wimp so that's an insult that really doesn't register anymore.  If you want to question my manhood and make it hurt you'll have to come up with something stronger than wimp.

But fortunately the trip is coming to an end and Mrs. Jolly and the young jollies are due back in a few hours and it looks promising that I'll survive.  And so, I thought now would be a good time for me to share with my brothers out there a few tips on how to survive while the wife and kids are gone.

1. It helps if you can be the pastor of a church.

On the Sunday that they are leaving be sure and ask the congregation to pray for your family while they are gone and let them know that you are available to minister to their needs this week.  The ladies of the congregation will realize that you will be eating like a frat boy during the week and many will invite you over for good wholesome meals with vegetabales and things like that.  They will take it as their personal responsibility to slow the pace of the clogging of your arteries.

2. Since you probably aren't a pastor you may have to use some different tactics.

While it's true that anyone who wants to be a pastor could get a seminary degree and ordination certificate by next Thursday, finding a congregation that will take you on as its pastor usually takes more than a week and you might not secure a position before your wife leaves.

Still, in Sunday School or when you are out with some friends you can play the same cards as the pastor did.  Just mention that your wife is going out of town and you are looking forward to and you are really looking forward to a week of pizza, Taco Bell, KFC and Burger King.  Your male friends will say "that sounds good" and their wives will be horrified.  They'll have that same mixture of pity and horror for you that they have for a turtle on the interstate and will insist on saving you by providing you with home cooked meals.

3. The good thing is that nobody is there to make you eat your vegetables if you don't want to.

One of the great blessings I have experienced while my wife and kids have been gone is that I haven't looked at a green bean in days.  But you have to weigh this carefully.  Though nobody is there to make you eat your vegetables, you can be that somebody is going to ask you if you ate your vegetables when she gets home.  It's a tradeoff - you can eat your vegetables while she's gone and have the joy of knowing you have made you proud when she gets home.  Or you can have the joy of foregoing the vegetables for a week knowing that when somebody gets home she's going to give you that look.  I guess it all depends on how scary that look is.

One of the good things about going to a friend's house for a meal is that the lady of the house will serve you vegetables.  Though you were looking forward to a week without vegetables this can still work to your favor.  While there, be sure to call attention to the fact that you are eating vegetables and ask your hosts to report this to your wife when she returns.  This way you have a witness.

4. Feed the dog

This goes without saying.  If the dog dies on your watch then, . . . well, . . . it just won't go well for you, especially when the kids find out.  Besides, you love that old dog and it's a joy to take care of him.  If you don't know what to feed him, give him some leftover vegetables in the freezer, although he probably won't like them either.

5. Alas, you probably need to feed the cat too.

If the dog dies on your watch that will be a tragedy, but it's a tragedy that can probably attributed to negligence.  You'll be in huge trouble, and the trouble will be something akin to involuntary manslaughter.  You'll get the equivalent of a long jail sentence, but there is hope that you will get out some day.

But if the cat dies that is a crime akin to premeditated murder.  You'll get life in prison or the chair for that one.  Your problem is that you have a decades long history of threats and ill-treatment of the cat.  All of those "uses of a dead cat" jokes will come back to haunt you. 

Yes, if anything happens to the cat on your watch there will be a presumption of guilt on your part that will be nearly insurmountable.  So by all means, for your own sake, feed and protect that cat.

But that doesn't mean you have to like it.  And you don't have to pet the cat when it rubs up against your leg.

6.  When they leave, you'll be able to hear yourself think for the first time in fifteen years, and this can be quite unnerving. 

I have to say that this has been one of the most difficult aspects of the week for me.  I've thought about cranking the stereo real loud at midnight to simulate my son's presence, but then realized it's just not the same because I've got no one to yell at. 

Although maybe I'm just not being creative enough here.  If I were to turn up the stereo real loud, then go close my son's door and then start pounding on the door I would get the same reaction from the other side of the door that I get when he's here and that would be realistic.

It's also a little unnerving to sit on the couch reading a book for more than five minutes at a time.  If a husband or father feels neglected by his wife and kids one of the surest ways to get their attention is to sit down and relax.  They all have antennas that let them know when hubby or dad is relaxing and this is their cue to ask for help with the computer or homework or take out the trash or any of a hundred other things.  When they are gone you will find yourself starting to relax, but five minutes later you'll get an uncontrollable urge to get up and do something.  The problem is that no one is there to tell you what you should be doing instead of relaxing.  As I said, it's quite unnerving and I'm not sure I have a good answer to this dilemma.

7.  Pile her side of the bed high with junk to help your sleep.

As I said, I have a hard time sleeping when Mrs. Jolly is gone.  Joe Carter talked about coping with this situation after his divorce and offered the following advice.

For the first few months after being divorced I had a difficult time falling asleep at night. You get used to someone being there and when they're gone it takes time to adjust. Don't be afraid to ask your friends for help. For awhile I would have my hunting buddy Ralph come tuck me in at bedtime. He'd stick his cold feet on me and yank the covers off and then I'd sleep like a baby.

Unfortunately, I don't have a hunting buddy named Ralph.  I thought about asking some of the members of my session for help on this but I figured their wives might think it was a little weird.

And I have to admit that Mrs. Jolly isn't one to stick her cold feet on me and and yank the covers off.  She rolls over a few times in the night but she rarely if ever touches me when she does.  I hear the rolling because I am a light sleeper, but I can't fault her for that.

So, to compensate, I just try to pile her side of the bed with junk.  In the past I have loaded down her side of the bed with pillows, dirty clothes, books, plates and cups and a few other things just to give the impression that something is over there.  It's helpful, but not quite the same.  I would need a machine that can roll the junk over a few times during the night to make it more realistic.

As I said, Mrs. Jolly isn't the problem person when it comes to sleeping.  She doesn't touch you with cold feet or yank the covers off.  I'm the real problem person when it comes to sleeping.  I have restless legs syndrome and I also am prone to rolling over and wacking her up side the head.  I can do all of that when she's not here, including wacking the junk pile.  The problem is that the junk pile just doesn't feel exactly right because it never tells me to be still and it doesn't groan, cry and say "ouch" when I wack it.   Remember, sleeping is all about routine  - if the routine gets thrown off it's hard to sleep.

Oh yeah - be sure and clean the junk off the side of the bed before she gets home!

8.  Watch all of those John Eldredge movies while she's gone.

You know how John Eldredge gets his theology from movies like Braveheart and Gladiator and stuff like that.  Those are manly movies that your wife probably hates.  Maybe she doesn't, but she might. 

You can watch all of them while she's gone.  And as an added bonus, all of the wars and fighting scenes will remind you of your kids while they're gone.  And since its on TV you don't have to break up the fights.

9.  Kiss the ground she walks on when she returns - you'd be lost without her.

Comments

[Politickal Animal]

Jolly, your hints sure do ring true. Especially the "feed dog" and "feed cat" stuff, and that "kiss the ground" thing when the wife comes home. I actually enjoy some of the peace and quiet and would prefer to not be invited to eat vegetables and all kinds of good stuff at parishioners' homes. I catch up on reading, cutting zzzzz's, and eating take-out Chinese or grilling steak, etc. But you're right -- the old bed does get pretty lonely at night.

[Terry]

I did not know any one else did the pile stuff on her side of the bed trick besides me. The bed then becomes suitable as a one person bed. The only problem is you have to clean that mess up before she gets home.

[Mwalimu Daudi]

I cannot tell you how very much I miss my wife when she is gone. The last time she was away for a few days, I came down sick with malaria (I am NOT kidding - we were living in Africa at the time!).

[Barbara]

I really enjoyed reading this! I'm one of those wives that occasionally goes on a trip without my husband (bus tours). He had rather stay home, but never tells me I can't go (I travel with my elderly Mom).

He has to 'survive' on his own, and his sister feels sorry for him, and will bring him at least one meal while I'm gone. But, he's very capable of taking care of himself, which I'm sure you are, as well. But, when I get home, he's waiting at the bus stop, to take me out to eat, to tell me the week's history, and let me know how good it is to see me! THIS makes marriage worth while!! Women appreciate the fact that their husband misses them,just as we miss our husbands, when they are gone.

[Paula]

That is so funny about the loud stereo, going to your son's room and "banging on the door and getting the same reaction." too funny. Glad you coped and she's home by now. this all proves how much love is in your home. Pg