Books that Will Never Be Written

OK, I have to admit that I thought I was being funny when I did my little thingy on "You Might Be a Presbyterian If."  But when it comes to humor, Michael Spencer and Tim Challies (now that's an interesting pair, eh?) have left me in the dust with their "Books That Won't Be Published Anytime Soon."  I made Michael's original list, of which my favorites were:

Why Reading Is Killing The Church by Tim Challies
No More Mister Nice Guy by David Wayne
It Doesn't Matter and What If It Did? by Al Mohler

Then Tim added a bunch and my favorites were:

Systematic Theology by Benny Hinn
Slain in the Spirit by John MacArthur

The English Standard Perversion by Adrian Warnock
What's Wrong With Warren? by Richard Abanes

Unfortunately, I won't be able to write "No More Mr. Nice Guy," because Steve Brown has already done so.  It must be out of print though because I can't find it on Amazon.  Instead of that, I'm seriously thinking about not writing one of the following two books:

Dr. DobsonLove, or, "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Religious Right"
John Calvin was a Big Fat Idiot

Here are some other books I don't think will be written anytime soon:

Day by Day with Pelagius, Arminius and Wesley - a devotional by R. C. Sproul
My Secret Life as a Roman Catholic Mormon by James White
My Journey from Liberalism to Conservatism and Back to Liberalism by LaShawn Barber
Blogging Sucks! by Hugh Hewitt
Reunited and It Feels So Good by R. C. Sproul and Chuck Colson
The Monstrous Regiment of Women by Marla Swoffer and the Intellectuelles
Spicier Girls: The True Story of Seven Ladies Who Gave Up Blogging to Become America's #1 All-Girl Band by Marla Swoffer and the Intellectuelles
More Charismatic Chaos by Adrian Warnock
OurThree Point Plan for Unity by Phil Johnson and Michael Spencer
Doctrine Shmoctrine by Ligon Duncan
If It Feels Good Do It by John MacArthur
The Nouthetic Heresy by Jay Adams
Mild at Heart by John Eldredge
An Objective Look at the Emerging Church by Brian McLaren
Using Debt to Build the Kingdom of God, the Unpublished Letters of Larry Burkett
Confessions of a Neo-Calvinist Liberal by Joe Carter
Partlal Truth by Nancy Pearcey
Why Am I Still Here? by Tim LaHaye

Comments

[Laura]

Hahaha, very nice. I made a list, and Marla's name was linked with "Monstrous Regiment of Women," too.

The Word of God and the Mind of Man: Does Not Compute, by Ron Nash
Sensing God's Presence, by Vincent Cheung
Cultivating a Life of Contentment in the Monastery, by Martin Luther
A Directory of Influential Women Bloggers, by R.C. Sproul, Jr.
On Tickling Ears, by Gordon Clark
Dr. Cornelius Van Til: A Heartwarming Eulogy, by John Robbins
A Doormat for Jesus: Embracing Criticism From Our Brothers and Sisters, by Doug Wilson
A Celebration of Biblical Warfare, Richard Foster
"Wine is a Mocker:" Alcohol and Apostasy, by G.K. Chesterton
HTML Recipes for Eye Candy, by John Robbins (see Trinity Foundation website)
How to Construct a Subtle Allegory, by Nathaniel Hawthorne
An Exposition of Acts 17, by Soren Kierkegaard
What the Bible Says About Hell, by Joel Osteen (foreword Brian McLaren)

[Jeff Downs]

This is great. Still laughing. I'm sure there are a few I and others in Countercult ministry could add. Here is one:

The Glorious Doctrine of the Trinity: Why we Worship Father, Son and Holy Spirit! Watchtower Bible and Tract Society.

[The Common Anglican]

I would to read your book about your upcoming conversion to Rome! ;)

[The Common Anglican]

*like

I would like to read...

[pgepps]

worry not, fair Anglican (Angle-cynn?)

You've just spoken Old English, albeit with bad spelling--y'know, from 1000 years ago when "wolde" meant "desire" and was always followed by an infinitive, before the mishap that created Middle and Modern English (ask the French-speaking Vikings about AD 1066).

Better spelling: "Ic wolde thin boc redan." "I wish to read your book."

For myself, then, I suggest that I shan't write

Out of Athens: A Christian Case Against The Humanities by Peter G. Epps

And I think it quite unlikely that we shall ever see

You Are What You Eat: The Regulative Principle At The Dinner Table by Phil Johnson

Cheers,
PGE

[David Wayne]

"The Regulative Principle at the Dinner Table" by Phil Johnson - ouch!

I could be his co-author on that one.

[John]

I love these David! My sides are sore! Here is a few more...

Why Al Gore's Faith Inspires Me by George W. Bush.
Why I love Being In The Emerging Church by Phil Johnson.
Why I Speak In Tongues by Jerry Falwell.
Money Isn't The Answer To Everything by Benny Hinn.
All Faiths Lead To God by Dr. Francis A. Schaeffer.
God Is A Negative God Also by Joel Osteen.

GBYAY

[Paleoevangelical]

Just As I Used To Believe by Billy Graham

[Jeremy Pierce]

Here are a few I intend not to write:

1. Presuppositionalism: the Reformed Approach to Apologetics
2. False Doctrine and Heresy: Why Hardly Any Christian Leader is Really a Christian
3. The Ideology of Inclusive Language: Undermining the Gospel at Its Very Roots
4. A Biblical Case Against Interracial Marriage
5. Moral Relativism in Star Wars
6. Intelligent Design and Other Religious Propaganda
7. Scientific Proof of Six-Day Creationism

I also think we won't be seeing any of these:

1. What We Can Learn From Open Theism, Bruce Ware
2. How the English Language Has Changed, Wayne Grudem
3. What the Moderns Got Right, Brian McLaren
4. The Pastor-Driven Church, Rick Warren
5. Divine Child Abuse: A Critical Examination of Traditional Views on the Atonement, Adrian Warnock
6. Affirmative Action: A Complex Moral Issue, La Shawn Barber
7. Illegal Immigration: A Complex Moral Issue, La Shawn Barber

[Andrew]

Prosperity Doctrine Secrets #1: Rich Suburbs - Brain and Bobby Houston

How Sydney got it wrong - Philip Jensen

perhaps a cd we'll never hear:

All about You - Hillsong
Hymns of our Forefathers - Hillsong
Jesus is my boyfriend - Nicky Chiswell

[pgepps]

No jab at Phil intended (any number of us could be hit in the crossfire on that one). I was thinking of "Strange Things I Have Eaten" over on his site.

http://www.spurgeon.org/~phil/page2.htm

Cheers,
PGE

[Catez]

Hi David,
My trackback link is in my URL for my comment. The excerpt is:
"Hard to find books... Following on from Michael Spencer, Tim Challies, and The JollyBlogger, I have compiled the following list of books that are extremely hard to find ( and which I will auction on ebay):"

[Marla Swoffer]

I'm a little late to the party, but it looks like I had fun without me :)

I'm too theologically ignorant to add much to the list of titles, but here are a few:

The Cult Following of C.S. Lewis by David Wayne
Yellow Gatorade by Jared and the Thinklings
Emergent Embrace by Phil Johnson

This is fun...I could go on and on, but I musn't...