In keeping with this week's theme of levity when it comes to all things theological, and ripping off an idea from my friend Glenn at Common Grounds Online, and his series on "you might be an evangelical if . . . " (here, here and here) I offer the following.
You might be a Presbyterian if . . .
1. You've got a big bushy beard in honor of R. L. Dabney.
2. You can spell supralapsrian , suprlapsarian, suralapsrian, supralapsarian.
3. When asked to name the twelve apostles you say Matthew, John, James, Andrew, Peter, Nathaniel, Phillip, Simon, Thomas, Augustine, Luther and Calvin.
4. You used to be a Baptist.
5. You started drinking ("in moderation" of course) after you left the Baptist church and became a Presbyterian.
6. Your children's names all begin with "covenant." In other words, normal people have babies, boys, girls, kids, and/or children. Presbyterians, on the other hand have "covenant" children. Instead of introducing your kids as Billy, Bobby and Suzy, it would be more proper to introduce them as Covenant-Bill, Covenant-Bob, and Covenant-Sue.
7. When the spirit comes upon you in power, you don't raise your hands and shout Hallelujuah, rather you scratch your chin, turn to your neighbor and whisper "hmmm, . . . that was a good point."
8. You think fencing has something to do with the Lord's Supper instead of swords.
9. You've considered church discipline for people who watch the NFL on Sunday afternoon.
10. When someone asks you a question about the Bible, you answer, "Well, the confession says . . . " or "the catechism says . . . "
11. Charles Spurgeon is just a little too Arminian for your blood.
12. They aren't "catholics," or even "Roman Catholics." They're "Romanists," or "Papists."
13. You secretly suspect that John Calvin was a liberal because of his compromise on the Sabbath issue.
14. You know the meaning of most or all of the following - PCA, PCUS, PCUSA, PC(USA), PC(U.S.A.), PCUSA(NS), PCUSA(OS), RPCES, RPCNA-GS, RPCNA, EPC, OPC, ARP, NAPARC, CRC, RCA, BPC, BPC-Collingswood, BPC-Columbus, CPC, TE, RE, WCF, WLC, WSC, BCO, UPC, UPCNA, UPCUSA, NPC,
15. You know, or think you know, the difference between "calvinist" and "reformed."
16. You think the phrase "chosen frozen" is a compliment.
I would like to invite others to join me in poking fun at their own denomination, theological tradition or group. We could have a "you might be a charismatic if . . .", "you might be a dispensationalist if . . ." and so on. Since I spent about 10 or 12 years as a Baptist (Southern Baptist that is) I would like to get my Baptist friends started with these . . .
You Might Be a Baptist if . . .
1. Your tie stops an inch above your navel.
2. You consider fried chicken to be the gospel bird.
3. You are very sure that the so-called "wine" in the Bible was unfermented grape juice.
4. When someone asks you what you would be if you weren't a Baptist, you say "I'd be ashamed!!!"
5. You think sword drills have something to do with the Bible and not with fencing.
6. There are really only two "true" first names in the world - "brother" or "sister."
7. Yours is the oldest and most Biblical denomination of all. After all, it was founded by John the Baptist.
And, as always, your additions to these lists would be welcomed and appreciated.
You might be a Baptist if you think your friend, who recently became a Presbyterian and has started drinking (in moderation), is a back-slider.
Posted by: Ethan | June 09, 2005 at 12:26 AM
he he - good one Ethan!!!
Posted by: David Wayne | June 09, 2005 at 12:44 AM
Laughing out loud, these are good.
The Baptist jokes remind me of an old one. Probably most of your readers know this, but in case a few readers have not heard it:
Do you know why Baptists are so against adultery? They're afraid it might lead to dancing.
And another: Do you know, if you go fishing with a Baptist, why you should always take 2 Baptists? If you take one...he'll drink all your beer.
Posted by: Glenn | June 09, 2005 at 01:43 AM
Okay, the charismatics are going to hate me for this (and these may make no sense to anyone who's not an American charismatic) but as a charismatic myself, I couldn't resist:
You might be a charismatic if:
* (Guys) As a single, you used a spiritual gift to discern in advance which dateable women in your church (six months after you started dating them) were going to give you the "I just want to be friends" talk.
* (Gals) As a single, you named and claimed the cute guy who sits in the third pew on the left as your future husband, but somehow it bounced off him and landed on the fat, balding guy in pew two.
* Someone blurts out "Shambala Honda!" and you think something else besides Dave Shambala's Honda dealership over on Third and Wexler.
* There's not a spot above your beltline that hasn't had a church elder's hand laid on it.
* You're convinced that Oral Roberts actually did see a 900-foot tall Jesus.
* You occasionally long to be Lutheran so that once in your life you could enjoy a decent church potluck.
* You know the difference between "Rhema" and "Logos"--and you explain it to more than three people every week.
* You can actually name the five parts of the Five-fold ministry.
* Two words: Dake's Bible.
* You have a signed, life-sized poster of Rod Parsley, but you have no idea who this Rick Warren guy is.
* The most commonly heard phrase in your church on Sundays is, "I hear the Lord saying...."
* You've been to Kansas City, Toronto AND Brownsville.
* You skipped three lunches a week to save the money to go to a prophetic conference.
* You know that IHOP isn't just a place to eat Belgian waffles.
* You've personally wrestled with a principality.
* You never confuse Agnes Sanford with Paula Sandford.
* You know that Foursquare isn't just a game that kids play during recess.
* You use only the best extra virgin olive oil in the anointing oil vial you always carry with you.
* You named your two kids "Paul" and "Jan."
* You secretly wish your pastor would choke to death on a bratwurst at the church picnic so you could raise him up from the dead just to have him acknowledge--finally!--God's call on your own personal ministry.
* At your last revival meeting, all your old silver-mercury fillings turned to gold.
* It's not weird for you that your pastors are married to each other.
* You've ever wondered where Marilyn Hickey shops for her clothes.
* Your phone has the number for TBN's giving hotline programmed in the speed dial.
* You've ever laid hands on a pet for healing.
* You've been a Christian for more than ten years and yet have no idea what the words are to the Apostle's Creed, let alone that longer Nicean one.
Posted by: DLE | June 09, 2005 at 01:56 AM
I have posted one on "you might be a Charismatic if..." Over on my blog
Posted by: adrian warnock | June 09, 2005 at 04:50 AM
Not everyone has a denomonation, so...
You might attend a community church if:
Your church is described as either non-, inter-, or post-denominational; but they still find a way to support a few IMB missionaries.
No one knows that the missionaries are IMB, because everyone hates business meetings.
What are business meetings? You so do not have those, since the governance is by a board of elders.
Elders, not presbyters.
No, really.
Anyways, you still meet once a quarter or so just to go over things.
They have coffee at all the meetings, and on Sunday mornings.
There are coffee stains all over the floor of the sanctuary, but you can't really see them unless all the chairs have been moved for the youth night concert.
The pastor prefers khakis and a polo shirt, the worship pastor is generally in jeans, and you're lucky if the youth pastor wears socks.
In front of "Community Church" is a really cool sounding name like Journey, Horizon, Vision, Family, or maybe Grace.
Utter the words, "the children can follow Julie down to children's church," and half the sanctuary empties.
You know the ten commandments, the greatest commandment, the great commission, and the seven habits of highly effective people.
Christmas, Easter, and Mother's Day are usually low attendance days.
The church building has had three locations in 15 years. Currently you are in the strip mall down the street from Krispy Kreme.
The front three rows on the left are reserved for college students.
You need to find a new worship pastor every five or six years when the old one graduates college.
Worship is very free and not so restrictive. You can tell because that funny lady up front on the right always raises her hands during the slow songs.
The church has an agreement to use the Drury Inn pool for baptisms.
Posted by: Jared | June 09, 2005 at 10:28 AM
I posted "You Might Be a Dispensationalist If . . ." at my blog. Fun to poke fun, eh?
Posted by: Mike | June 09, 2005 at 12:10 PM
Oh, man, these are funny! Especially the Presby ones (I'm currently part of the OPC).
Some spinoffs from David's #10 . . .
You might be a Baptist if someone quotes the confession at you, and you respond with "but what does the Bible say?"
You might be a Presbyterian if someone gives you multiple Bible references in support of what they're saying, and you don't believe them, but then they mention that the WCF/WLC/WSC seems to support what you automatically agree with them.
Posted by: JH | June 09, 2005 at 12:31 PM
You might be a presbyterian if...
...you have to explain yourself every time you mention wine or beer (couldn't resist, David).
...you get worried that standing up to sing a hymn is "too showy".
...you have a hard time following a sermon with anything other than three points.
...you believe piano and bagpipes are the only two instruments sanctioned by God.
...your definition of "Covenant" is "getting our kids wet".
Posted by: Shaun | June 09, 2005 at 01:47 PM
Difference between Reformed and Dispensationalist: Cigars.
Posted by: Jim Gilbert | June 09, 2005 at 04:49 PM
OK, my list of How Christians Play Golf contains 20 theological types of golfers, but it's too long to post here. Click my name to see it, from 2 days ago.
Posted by: Jim Gilbert | June 09, 2005 at 04:52 PM
Okay "Brother" Wayne, since you insist, check out my "New Transparent Evangelical Dictionary." You're welcome to add new words; we'll make the comments section a Wiki! Just click my name again...
Posted by: Jim Gilbert | June 09, 2005 at 05:29 PM
You might be Lutheran if...
...you only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season.
....when someone mentions red and green (in terms of Christmas), you immediately think of a battle over hymnals.
...during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it.
...during communion you hum the hymns so you can see who's at church that Sunday.
...rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guestbook.
....you have your wedding reception in the fellowship hall and feel guilty about not staying to help clean up.
...a midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.
...you forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget to put water in the coffee pot.
...the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes.
....your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality.
....in response to someone jumping up and shouting "Praise the Lord!", you politely remind him or her that we don't do that around here.
...you think a meeting isn't legitimate unless it's at least three hours long.
...you make change in the offering plate for a ten.
...the church is on fire, and you rush in to save the coffee pot.
...you have more than five flavors of Jell-O in your pantry.
...the only open pew is up front, so you volunteer to shovel the sidewalk.
...someone asks you after church if there's any "decaf coffee" and you laugh because you KNOW that if it doesn't have caffeine, it can't be coffee!
...you think anyone who says "casserole" instead of "hotdish" is trying to be uppity (or maybe even Episcopalian!)
...you think the term "Jell-O salad" is redundant.
...you freeze the leftover coffee from fellowship hour for next week.
...you were little you actually thought the Reverend's first name was "Pastor."
...you think you're paying your pastor too much if he gets a new car for the first time in eight years.
...you hear something really funny and smile as loud as you can.
...it takes 10 minutes to say good-bye.
...doughnuts are in the official church budget.
...they have to rope off the last pews in church so the front isn't empty.
...you're watching "Star Wars" in the theatre and when they say, "May the force be with you," the theatre replies, "and also with you."
...you tap a church visitor on the shoulder and say, "excuse me, but you're in my seat."
...you can say the meal prayer all in one breath.
...Bach is your favorite composer just because he was Lutheran, too.
...you hesitate to clap for the church choir or special music because "it just wasn't done that way in the old days."
...your church library has three Jell-O cookbooks.
...it's time to change a lightbulb and the left side of the aisle begins a debate on "change," while the right side of the aisle musters five volunteers--one to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder.
...you laugh out loud while reading this list, and relive your childhood at the same time.
...you actually think the pastor's jokes are funny.
...requests you hear are preceeded or followed by the phrase, "If it's not too much trouble then..."
...you know all the words to the first verse of "Silent Night" in German but can't speak a word of it.
...you carry silverware in your pocket to church just in case there's a potluck.
...you have an uncontollable urge to sit in the back of any room.
...your house is a mess because you're "saved by Grace," not by works.
...the doilies underneath the Thanksgiving flowers make nice snowflakes at Christmas.
...you think the communion wafers are too spicy.
...your mother reminds you often that she wishes you'd studied the organ.
... you dress up as your favorite reformer for Halloween.
...your mother could give any Jewish mother a run for the money in the guilt department.
...you think lime Jell-O with cottage cheese and pineapple is a gourmet salad.
...you think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS groom make for a "mixed marriage." (or any other two synods not in fellowship.)
...Folgers has you on their Christmas list.
...your congregation's first two operating rules are "Don't change" and "Don't spend."
...your LCMS pastor refers to St. Louis as "the holy city." (WELS=Milwaukee; ELCA=Chicago; ELS=Mankato; etc.)
...you're at an evangelistic rally and you actually manage to raise your hands waist high.
...the only mealtime prayer you know is "Come Lord Jesus."
...you and your family of six squeeze into the last pew along with the 140 members already sitting there.
...you're 57 years old and your parents still won't let you date a Catholic.
...at the close of a memo it states "Peace be with you" and you respond "and also with you."
...you can't get into heaven without a casserole.
...you notice the Kool Aid stock shoots up during the Vacation Bible School season.
...you wonder why bread and wine are used for Communion instead of coffee and donuts.
...Commandment #11--If it's never been done that way before, don't do it.
...you consider lottery tickets a serious investment.
...you make your hotdishes with cream of mushroom soup and your salads with Jell-O.
...you sing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus" while sitting down.
...a line item in the trustee's budget is "coffee maker maintenance."
...you feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
...it's 110 degrees outside and you still have coffee after services.
...change means wearing your brown suit instead of your blue suit to church.
...you read your Catechism and start arguing theology with yourself because no one else is around.
...the most mail you receive all year is from the Stewardship Committee.
...you win $10 million in the lottery and decide to throw a party and money is no object, so you advertise in the church bulletin, rent the parish hall, and ask all of your friends to bring a side dish or salad.
...every time something changes, the old one was better.
...you hold your family reunion in the church basement.
...a capital fund drive is needed to finance the new one million cup coffee urn.
...you serve Jell-O as a vegetable.
...your biggest fund-raisers are bake sales instead of bingo.
...you can't have a meeting without having a meal.
...sharing the peace during the service takes more time than the sermon.
...all of your casserole dishes have your name on the bottom.
...you're willing to pay up to one dollar for a meal at church.
...the second service each Sunday is coffee hour.
...all your relatives graduated from a school named Concordia.
...potluck dinners are your favorite indoor sport.
...you ask for "A Mighty Fortress" on the love song request line.
...you automatically sing 'amen' at the end of every song you sing.
...you count coffee among the sacraments.
...your coffee cup is permanently stained.
...you consume some form of Jell-O at every holiday meal.
...you don't question why the seat you sit in at church is called a pew.
Posted by: Terry | June 09, 2005 at 06:56 PM
You might be a baptist if you eat fried chicken at least 3 times a week.
You might be a baptist if you have a manual called "how to start a church split."
Wayne, thanks for starting these funnies.
Posted by: Jason Dollar | June 10, 2005 at 07:10 AM
>You are very sure that the so-called "wine" in the Bible was unfermented grape juice
and you have, at least on one occasion, opened a jar of Welches and then resealed the lid after pouring a drink, just to see what happens if you let it sit in the cupboard for a few days...or weeks.
Posted by: William Meisheid | June 10, 2005 at 07:55 AM
I've been reading your blog for a while now, but these lists have been a hoot for someone who was raised Lutheran, was in Baptist and Bible churches as a young adult, and is now a Presbyterian convert.
You could add to your #6: "or your firstborn son is named Calvin and your firstborn daughter Geneva" (Actual known occurrence!)
Posted by: Liz | June 10, 2005 at 12:30 PM
"4. You used to be a Baptist."
Hmmm... that's quite telling.
Posted by: Matthew | June 11, 2005 at 01:04 PM
Good grief. See what hanging out in a PCA church for a few years has done to me?
I'm a Baptist who likes wine and a Dispensationalist who likes cigars.
Guess I'll have to go trade in my capital letters, after all. . . .
Oh, and y'all (ex-)Southern Baptists can keep your fried chicken. We I/independent B/baptist Potluckers know a casserole is too good to waste on them Episcopalians, even if the Lutherans pass on it. And goulash--surely we can be ecumenical about goulash?
Cheers,
PGE
Posted by: pgepps | June 12, 2005 at 11:21 AM
Speaking of which reminds me of a joke one of my Baylor profs often told. . . .
Y'know the difference between a moderate Southern Baptist and an Episcopalian?
The Episcopalian will look you in the eye when you meet him in the liquor store.
Cheers,
PGE
Posted by: pgepps | June 12, 2005 at 11:23 AM
I hope you don't mind, but I had to copy this onto my blog. Coming from a presbyterian church this is so true. I love #7. I actually used to date a girl who is charismatic and I had to explain to her that when the spirit moves at my church people only say "amen."
Posted by: Lew | June 14, 2005 at 09:50 PM
I've been looking for my list for a long time, but I found this one, which is close: http://www.ecochurch.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?p=540&sid=9114b51e107b1a416b280337e1c508af
You Might Be a Member of the Church of Christ...
If you ever wondered who Ebon Pinion was.
If you've never attended a revival, but have attended lots of good gospel
meetings!
If you've never seen a mourners' bench, but seen lots of folks "come down
front."
If you've never "moved your letter," but "placed your membership."
If you consider yourself part of "the brotherhood" but not part of
Christendom.
If you stay out of sanctuaries, but spend a lot of time in auditoriums.
If your mother has a whole closet full of flannel graphs.
If any male member of your family owns a pair of white shoes.
If you've heard of Jule Miller, but not John Wesley.
If you can read shape notes!
If you know that an anti is not something you do when playing poker.
If you've never been to a church that wasn't named after a street.
If you know the 1st, 2nd, and 4th verses to nearly every song in the book.
If you have stood for 13 verses of "Just As I Am" with the last stanza sung
softly.
If you think "tithing" is wrong, but that you should "give at least 10%."
If you think it's wrong to have a choir, but it's ok to listen to a chorus
after the closing prayer.
If you think it's unscriptural to drain the baptistry.
If you planned to "be back at the building at the next appointed time."
If you have to be reminded weekly that the collection is "separate and
apart" from the Lord's supper.
If you believe Jesus turned water into grape juice.
If you ever wondered what would happen if the preacher didn't have a "ready
recollection of the things he has prepared."
If you were 18 years old before you realized that "guideguardanddirectus"
was not one word!
If you know the songs better by page number than by title (as in 728b the
church of christ theme song .
If you figure that the Last Supper was probably potluck.
If you check out Acts 2:38 before buying a new version of the Bible,
Posted by: Lynn Rudloff | August 18, 2005 at 03:31 PM
http://www.reasonswhy.org/mt/weblog1/archives/2005/06/you_know_youre_a_member_of_the_church_of_christ_if.html#comments
You know you're a member of the Church of Christ if....
1. You know the 5 steps of salvation but always add a 6th for good measure.
2. You know who Barton, Stone, Lipscomb, and Campbell are but have never heard of Luther, Spurgeon, Wesley, or Whitfield.
3. You pray that your Baptist neighbor would convert to COC so he can get baptized again - the right way.
4. You've debated whether pitch pipes should be allowed in the worship service or not.
5. Everyone belongs to a denomination except you.
6. To go to a real COC school you have to stay east of Texas.
7. You know what CENI stands for.
8. You consider Rubel Shelley, Max Lucado, and Mike Cope to be apostate.
9. You think the indwelling of the Spirit means memorizing more scripture.
10. Your favorite theological question to ponder is, "Now what if he died on the way to getting baptized"?
11. You know that if you miss Sunday morning's service, attendance in the evening is necessary in order to partake of the Lord's Supper.
12. You have a vague impression that all those rules aren't really necessary but decide to keep them - "just to be safe."
**************************************************************************************
http://www.biblearchive.com/mambo4_5/content/view/412/58/
You know you’re a Plymouth Brethren when….
10: Darby is quietly known as the 13th Apostle.
9: You purchase “stylish” head coverings for your wife…either black or white.
8. You know that the Little Flock hymnbook is for the Lord’s Supper.
7. When you deny being a denomination but resort to quotation marks or “so-called” to describe your denomination
6. You refer to any Christian you don’t know by first name as “brother” or “sister”
5. You spend a full hour in a home Bible study poring over Scripture and doing math over detailed charts of things that haven’t happened yet but we know exactly how they’ll pan out.
4. You have a subscription to Uplook, Precious Seed or Counsel.
3. Clapping your hands during music is commonly called “charismatic” in your gathering.
2. You have cornered the monopoly on what it is to be a New Testament assembly
1. You think Muller…no Darby…no Mueller…no Darby! Was right.
**************************************************************************************
http://jollyblogger.typepad.com/jollyblogger/2005/06/you_might_be_a_.html
You might be a Presbyterian if ….
1. You've got a big bushy beard in honor of R. L. Dabney.
2. You can spell , , , supralapsarian.
3. When asked to name the twelve apostles you say Matthew, John, James, Andrew, Peter, Nathaniel, Phillip, Simon, Thomas, Augustine, Luther and Calvin.
4. You used to be a Baptist.
5. You started drinking ("in moderation" of course) after you left the Baptist church and became a Presbyterian.
6. Your children's names all begin with "covenant." In other words, normal people have babies, boys, girls, kids, and/or children. Presbyterians, on the other hand have "covenant" children. Instead of introducing your kids as Billy, Bobby and Suzy, it would be more proper to introduce them as Covenant-Bill, Covenant-Bob, and Covenant-Sue.
7. When the spirit comes upon you in power, you don't raise your hands and shout Hallelujah, rather you scratch your chin, turn to your neighbor and whisper "hmmm, . . . that was a good point."
8. You think fencing has something to do with the Lord's Supper instead of swords.
9. You've considered church discipline for people who watch the NFL on Sunday afternoon.
10. When someone asks you a question about the Bible, you answer, "Well, the confession says . . . " or "the catechism says . . . "
11. Charles Spurgeon is just a little too Arminian for your blood.
12. They aren't "Catholics," or even "Roman Catholics." They're "Romanists," or "Papists."
13. You secretly suspect that John Calvin was a liberal because of his compromise on the Sabbath issue.
14. You know the meaning of most or all of the following - PCA, PCUS, PCUSA, PC (USA), PC (U.S.A.), PCUSA (NS), PCUSA (OS), RPCES, RPCNA-GS, RPCNA, EPC, OPC, ARP, NAPARC, CRC, RCA, BPC, BPC-Collingswood, BPC-Columbus, CPC, TE, RE, WCF, WLC, WSC, BCO, UPC, UPCNA, UPCUSA, NPC,
15. You know, or think you know, the difference between "Calvinist" and "reformed."
16. You think the phrase "chosen frozen" is a compliment.
**************************************************************************************
http://pewview.mu.nu/archives/086530.html
You Might be a Baptist If ...
1. If you believe that Jesus fed 5,000 people with catfish and hushpuppies, you might be a Baptist.
2. If you have never sung the third verse to any hymn in the hymnal, you might be a Baptist.
3. If the first question you ask a pastoral candidate is, "Do you like chicken?" and question his salvation if he answers "No," you might be a Baptist.
4. If you've ever collected an offering using Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets, you might be a Baptist.
5. If you think that a Biblical benediction is seventeen verses of "Just As I Am," you might be a Baptist.
6. If, when someone says "AMEN" during a sermon, you look around to see who the visitor is, you might be a Baptist.
7. If your definition of "fellowship" involves fried chicken and sweet tea, you might be a Baptist.
8. If you believe that the Marriage Supper of the Lamb will be potluck, and leave instructions in your will to be buried with a covered dish, you might be a Baptist.
9. If you have a bumper sticker on your car that says, "In the event of Rapture, this car will be unmanned," you might be a Baptist.
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http://thinklings.org/?p=2170
You Might Attend a “Community Church” If . . .
1. Your church is described as non-, inter-, or post-denominational; but they still find a way to support a few IMB missionaries.
2. No one knows that the missionaries are IMB, because everyone hates business meetings.
3. What are business meetings?
4. Anyways, you still meet once a quarter or so just to go over things.
5. They have coffee at all the meetings, and on Sunday mornings.
6. There are coffee stains all over the floor of the sanctuary, but you can’t really see them unless all the chairs have been moved for the youth night concert.
7. The pastor prefers khakis and a polo shirt, the worship pastor is generally in jeans, and you’re lucky if the youth pastor wears socks.
8. In front of “Community Church” is a really cool sounding name like Journey, Horizon, Vision, Family, or maybe Grace.
9. Utter the words, “the children can follow Julie down to children’s church,” and half the sanctuary empties.
10. You know the ten commandments, the greatest commandment, the great commission, and the seven habits of highly effective people.
11. Christmas, Easter, and Mother’s Day are usually low attendance days.
12. The church building has had three locations in 15 years. Currently you are in the strip mall down the street from Krispy Kreme.
13. The front three rows on the left are reserved for college students.
14. You need to find a new worship pastor every five or six years when the old one graduates college.
15. Worship is very free and not so restrictive. You can tell because that funny lady up front on the right always raises her hands during the slow songs.
16. The church has an agreement to use the Drury Inn pool for baptisms.
**************************************************************************************
http://gaddabout.blogspot.com/2005/06/you-might-be-vineyardite-if.html
You might be a Vineyardite if...
1. You think church planting begins with an acoustic guitar and a stool.
2. You've ever begun a prayer with the official, "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God...”
3. When shaking someone's hand, the shaking is involuntary.
4. You don't have a problem serving the sacrament using grape Kool-Aid and Pop Tarts.
5. You don't know any Church songs or hymns written before 1982.
6. You own more khaki pants than a Gap clerk.
7. When quoting from Calvin, it's accompanied by cartoon slides of a stuffed tiger and a 5-year-old boy.
**************************************************************************************
http://jollyblogger.typepad.com/jollyblogger/2005/06/why_its_cool_to.html
10 Reasons why I am a Calvinist
1. Calvinists tend to wear wool and cotton. Dispensationalists tend to wear lime-green polyester leisure suits.
2. John Calvin was French...being French is very chic.
3. Calvin sounds like Calvin Klein...and his clothes are very chic.
4. Calvinists can drink.
5. Calvinists can smoke.
6. Dispensationalists are into prophecy conferences where they talk about Star-Trek eschatology and the mark of the Beast. Calvinists have conferences on "life and culture", art, social justice, and other high- brow things like that. Afterwards, we go to the local pub and talk about philosophy over a pint of Bass ale.
7. Calvinists have close ties with Scotland and Scotland is very cool: you know --Sean Connery, the movie Highlander, Bagpipes, the Loch Ness Monster, Glenlivet 18 year old Scotch, the movie Train Spotting, Brave Heart, etc.
8. Calvinists think we are smarter than anybody else.
9. It is more socially acceptable to say, "I go to Grace Presbyterian Church" than to say, "I go to Washed In The Blood Worship Center", "I go to Sonlife Charismatic Believers Assembly", or to say "I go to Boston Berean Bible Believing Baptist Bethel", or to say "I go to the Latter-Day- Rain Deliverance Tabernacle Prophecy Center, Inc.", or to say "I go to the Philadelphia Church of the Majority Text", or to say "I go to the Lithuanian Apostolic Orthodox Autocephalic Church of the Baltic union of 1838".
10. Ultimately, I am a Calvinist because I had no choice in the matter.
**************************************************************************************
Posted by: Rajkumar Cheluvappa | October 01, 2005 at 11:45 AM
how about some "You might be a Methodist jokes?"
Posted by: Loudy | November 20, 2005 at 04:56 PM
You might be a TR (Totally Reformed) if...
1. You first quote the Westminster Confession and then say, "Oh yeah, the Bible says this somewhere, too."
2. You refuse to vote for Jesus as Time Magazine's "Person of the Year" because you don't want an image of Christ on the front cover.
3. You secretly believe that you have to believe in election to be saved.
4. You think Puritans are really, really, really, REALLY cool.
5. While not being a theonomist, you completely understand them.
6. While officially affirming the "priesthood of all believers," the only people you really trust to interpret Scripture are Calvin and yourself, and you only trust yourself on Thursdays before noon.
7. For you, a Baptist and stupid are the same word.
8. A "Reformed Baptist" and a "square circle" are equally as difficult for you to imagine.
9. You wonder what the Holy Spirit was up to between the times of Paul and Calvin.
10. You think women belong in the home and not in any pulpit, much less a staff position in large churches.
11. At some point in your life, you honestly believed that the only people who are saved are you and your buddy who thinks just like you, and then you kind of have to wonder about him because he DOES think just like you.
12. You think any church that has more than 200 people is probably apostate.
13. You are personally repulsed by Campus Crusade for Christ.
14. It is harder for you to keep the Sabbath than it is to fill out your taxes.
15. You keep telling yourself that Willow Creek has to be a really bad dream.
16. You've considered stoning someone.
17. You've seriously thought about lighting up a cigarette in church.
18. You think "that Pope as the Antichrist thing" should never have been taken out of the Confession.
19. Saying a blessing before the first round of drinks doesn't seem strange to you at all.
20. Your favorite Bible is your "Authorized Bahnsen Version."
21. You're convinced that everyone in your Presbytery is secretly a 33rd degree Mason.
22. You know that the Apocrypha doesn't belong in the canon, but you wonder sometimes whether we should add Van Til's, "The Defense of the Faith."
23. You pray daily for God to release His judgement on para-church ministries.
24. You think no true evangelism has been done without at least 3 lengthy quotes from the Confession.
25. You can't figure out why God didn't take Van Til like He did Enoch.
26. For you, tobacco is its own major food group.
27. You like Sproul Jr. a whole lot better than his father.
28. You think John Gerstner was an Arminian who knows better now.
29. You think the "Concerned Presbyterians" are way too moderate.
30. The only reason you haven't condemned Covenant Seminary is because you went there and you don't want to invalidate your entire theological training.
31. You have no idea what personality type you are, which explains why you are a TR.
You might be a BR (Barely Reformed) if...
1. You changed the name of your church from "Knox Reformed Presbyterian" to "Grace Community Fellowship."
2. You've ever seriously considered going to Pensacola or Toronto to bring back the fire.
3. You think what the church needs is another revival, not another reformation.
4. You've ever done an "infant dedication" service.
5. You own more than one book by C. Peter Wagner, David Wilkerson, James Dobson, or Gary Smalley
6. You don't own anything by Charles Hodge, Archibald Alexander, or B.B. Warfield.
7. You think it's a good thing that many of your members don't know the church is Presbyterian.
8. The words "relevant, contemporary, and cutting edge" cause you to salivate excessively.
9. You don't trust anyone who doesn't have exceptions to the Confession.
10. You consider it to be in bad taste to ask theological questions of a candidate on the floor of Presbytery.
11. You've ever cut a service short because of "Super Bowl Sunday."
12. You constantly use the word "just" while praying (i.e. We "just" really want to thank you).
13. You switched to using overheads so people would have their hands free to "just really worship God."
14. You believe the greatest work on Apologetics ever written was "More than a Carpenter."
15. You wish there was some way of incorporating an altar call into your service.
16. You have a "worship team."
17. You believe that Republican and Christian are synonyms.
18. The most common logo on your casual clothing is "PK."
19. You nod your head when someone says, "Doctrine divides."
20. You could sell your copy of the Confession in "like new" condition.
21. You think that the PCUSA went Liberal because people just really stopped loving Jesus.
Posted by: bitstreamer | November 28, 2005 at 11:36 PM
Borrowed bitstreamer's list and modified it. "You might be a (TR) Totally Reformed if..." I couldn't help notice that many of these things could be said about another group that goes by the same initials. So I borrowed (read: stole) his list, picked the best ones, and added some of my own to the end.
Posted by: Theophile | December 04, 2005 at 10:52 PM