Why It's Cool to Be a Calvinist

OK, with all of this serious discussion about calvinism and all I thought I would inject a little levity into it.  I first got this in an e-mail from another pastor in my presbytery, but also found it on a blog called Semper Reformanda.  This is hilarious, but what is even more hilarious is if you go over to the Semper Reformanda blog and look at all of the comments this young lady got from people taking this way too seriously.  This really is a joke, somewhere along the lines of 10 reasons it's better to be a man than a woman or 15 reasons dogs are better than cats.  So, if anyone gets offended here I'll be happy to post a rebuttal about why arminians are better than calvinist, baptists are better than presbyterians or something along the lines.  Of course, I'll reserve the right to rebut the rebuttal.

10 REASONS WHY I AM A CALVINIST

1. Calvinists tend to wear wool and cotton. Dispensationalists tend to wear lime-green polyester leisure suits.

2. John Calvin was French...being French is very chic.

3. Calvin sounds like Calvin Klein...and his clothes are very chic.

4. Calvinists can drink.

5. Calvinists can smoke.

6. Dispensationalists are into prophecy conferences where they talk about Star-Trek eschatology and the mark of the Beast. Calvinists have conferences on "life and culture", art, social justice, and other high- brow things like that. Afterwards, we go to the local pub and talk about philosophy over a pint of Bass ale.

7. Calvinists have close ties with Scotland and Scotland is very cool: you know --Sean Connery, the movie Highlander, Bagpipes, the Loch Ness Monster, Glenlivet 18 year old Scotch, the movie Train Spotting, Brave Heart, etc.

8. Calvinists think we are smarter than anybody else.

9. It is more socially acceptable to say, "I go to Grace Presbyterian Church" than to say, "I go to Washed In The Blood Worship Center", "I go to Sonlife Charismatic Believers Assembly", or to say "I go to Boston Berean Bible Believing Baptist Bethel", or to say "I go to the Latter-Day- Rain Deliverance Tabernacle Prophecy Center, Inc.", or to say "I go to the Philadelphia Church of the Majority Text", or to say "I go to the Lithuanian Apostolic Orthodox Autocephalic Church of the Baltic union of 1838".

10. Ultimately, I am a Calvinist because I had no choice in the matter.

Comments

[Phillip Winn]

Bah -- good Reformed Anglicans prefer 12-year Glenfiddich!

[EWZ]

I'm not sure if "dispensationalist" is the opposite of "Calvinist," as you have set it up.

[David Wayne]

EWZ - actually, I didn't set it up. The guy or the girl who wrote the joke did that and it was just too much trouble for me to rewrite the whole thing.

[Gaddabout]

No. 10 should be a t-shirt or a bumper sticker.

[Michelle]

I once saw a shirt that said on the front, "Calvinism: This shirt chose me," and on the back, "Arminianism: I chose this shirt." I'm not sure where the guy wearing it got it, but it still makes me smile when I think about it.

[brian]

'It is more socially acceptable to say, "I go to Grace Presbyterian Church" than to say, "I go to Washed In The Blood Worship Center"...'

Actually, not so much in the South. Saying you go to a Presbyterian/Lutheran/Catholic church will get you the raised eyebrow around here.

The more acceptable ones are Southern Baptist, AoG, Church of Christ, or any of the hundreds of Deliverance/Revival/Harvest/Victory non-denoms.

Yes, I know it wasn't a serious post :). Just had to get my piece in.

[David Wayne]

Brian - I used to be a member of the Central Florida Presbytery. It grew to a point where the powers that be decided to split off the churches in North Florida to form another presbytery. I was in on some of the planning meetings for this and one suggestion was that we call ourselves "Tabernacle of Praise Presbytery," so that we could be the TOP Presbytery - he he he

[pgepps]

"Baptists gone wild" (we hang out with our Calvinist buddies but still prefer Star Wars eschatology--isn't Star Trek amil idealism?) would never touch those Wal-Mart Scotches, Glenlivet and Glenfiddich. The Macallan, 18, every time . . . with a Balvenie, Oban, or one of the Islay variants for some change.

Though a good ruby port will do in almost any storm.

The important question is, did you choose the liquor, or did the liquor choose you?

Cheers,
PGE

[Bill Hayes]

Great post! I am a Calvinist (and Calvin actually is my middle name -- William Calvin Hayes) -- so as #10 says -- I had no choice -- and I was probably "called" (by the name, at least) before I was born!

[Brian]

"So, if anyone gets offended here I'll be happy to post a rebuttal about why arminians are better than calvinist, baptists are better than presbyterians or something along the lines."

I am offended, please post. :)

AMDG

[David Wayne]

Brian - what I meant was that you have to send me something showing why baptists are better than presbyterians, arminians better than calvinists, or cats are better than dogs - then I will post that (assuming its in good taste). After all, I don't want to do the opposition's work for them ! BTW - showing my ignorance here - what does AMDG mean?

PGE - watch it with your "baptists gone wild" stuff here buddy - this is a family friendly blog!!

[Jim Gilbert]

I was predestined to be Arminian until I was 35, when I freely chose Calvinism.

A little off-topic, but you'd enjoy knowing Greg Carr, pastor of Christ the King Reformed Episcopal on Route 100. Loves football too. A charismatic Calvinist like me (PGEpps knows what I mean).

[Micah]

11. Calvinists have a sense of humor.

[Kacy Sandidge]

"I once saw a shirt that said on the front, "Calvinism: This shirt chose me," and on the back, "Arminianism: I chose this shirt." I'm not sure where the guy wearing it got it, but it still makes me smile when I think about it."

http://www.randomshirts.com/productinfo/calvinism.htm

I know where to find it because my friends got me one for my Birthday.

Oh yeah, and thanks for the reference to my Xanga on your blog. I just don't want to say anything over there anymore. lol

[TulipGirl]

3. Calvin sounds like Calvin Klein...and his clothes are very chic.

*L* Our youngest son is named after the great theologian. We met some sweet Japanese girls on vacation (they asked us to take their picture with our sons--as well as their picture with the pyramids.) Anyway, they thought we were just SO cool for naming our son after the fashion after Calvin Klein.

[Andrew]

Ha, ha, ha. It's a good thing that Calvanists can't lose their salvation, otherwise I'd have real problems growing up in the Presbyterian church but now pastoring in a Pentecostal/Charismatic (with leanings toward certain aspects of Methodism) one!

[Twice as Cool!]

Am I twice as cool, being both a dispensationalist and a Calvinist? Yup. Good stuff.

[Rediucloso]

The arminian sacred cow robot of free will.

[Cathy Newton]

This Calvinist is also Baptist (NOT Reformed Baptist), dispensational, pre-millenial, and independent (my church has no affiliation with any convention or other presbyterial type of church hierarchy). I also don't drink or smoke, and never have. Be careful you don't put Calvinists in a box.

I have a sense of humour and realize that this "9 Reasons..." thing is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, but I believe the issues at stake are too serious for this type of humour. God's very essence and character are under attack and people who have been given a false sense of security are perishing in their sins while we sit around and crack jokes.

[pgepps]

hehe. Coming back after a long time, I still quite like this one.

Cathy, uh, I'm pretty certain the Lord will not look down on me from the bema seat and say to me, "What are you doing here? You're (not a Calvinist) (not a teetotaller) (not a--whatcha got?)." So, let's deal with our differences with grace and good humor, like preacher Wayne so often does.

In that vein, then, though it may never see the light of day:

Why Premillennialist, Pretribulationist, Revivalist, Independent Baptists are way cooler than...the rest of you:

10) nifty charts
9) how long can *you* keep up "Have Thine Own Way, Lord"?
8) our pastors wore retro before retro was cool, and now that it's cool they're still not cool, which makes us *way* less worldly than you compromisers.
7) revival preachers: more fun than a barrel of monkeys.
6) we shred our rock tapes when we get "convicted" as teens, then grow up and buy the CDs, which helps the economy.
5) Arminius in the pulpit, Calvin in the classroom--it's like beer with Coke, if we drank beer, which we don't.
4) Jesus would have *loved* Welch's if He'd ever tasted it.
3) the King James Version was good enough for John the Baptist--who needs the ESV?
2) we know "as the deer panteth for the waters, so my soul longeth after Thee" can't be followed with "You alone are my heart's desire"; it should be "Thou alone art my heart's desire," but if you do that--why not just sing a hymn?
1) No third verses. Ever.

Cheers,
PGE

[Nathan Duffey]

those who really understand the bible will know that no-one who understands the bible will know that you are supposed to believe in in predestination(or calvinism)because it's true, not because all this other stuff. I'm only 12 years old and i know the doctrines of grace quite well and any other person who knows it well will asume that ur not suppose to drink or smoke. thats diobeying God!

[nathan duffey]

this man is obviously not taking almighty God seriously. any smart person will notice that. i wonder what R.C. Sproul would have to say about this or other big calvinist pastors or authors has to say about this. all these other reasons that this man mentioned about why its cool to be a calvinist is very, very obsurd.

[Sarah Flashing]

Wow, I must have been predestined to enjoy that. #6 was my favorite, but unfortunately it pits me against my trekky children. Oh well, some day they will mature to great things.

[PaulFan]

Ha. Just found this on SU. Funny stuff.

[Ma]

ME TOO Twice as Cool!