III. Conversion and Early Christian Life
Growing up I was a pretty insecure kid. I was raised by mother and stepfather, who truly loved me. But, my stepfather was an alcoholic and there are consequences of that. For me one of the consequences was a feeling of insecurity.
To add to
that, my life was the equivalent of a B-movie. No, my life wasn’t filled with tomatoes that ate
My grades
were in the B to C range. I loved
athletics and was always good enough to make the team (often because there were
no cuts) but never good enough to start. I was friends with lots of the popular kids but wasn’t in the “inner
circle,” of popularity. I could get a
few dates here and there, but the young ladies weren’t exactly lining up
outside my door, and I usually got dumped after a few dates. But I deeply wanted to be accepted by the
“in-crowd” wherever they could be found.
When I came to Christ, the good news of the gospel took hold in my life. Knowing that the God who created everything was now my Father was a fact that took my breath away. Knowing that salvation was not dependent upon good works, but only faith in the atoning work of Jesus Christ was the best news I had ever heard.
I
immediately got involved in reading my bible on a daily basis and participating
in the youth group at church and the Fellowship of Christian athletes at
school. I loved knowing Jesus, I loved the church and everything about the
Christian life.
But a funny thing happened along the way. I became a “good” Christian, and that became a downfall for me. It led to pride and spiritual deadness and ultimately to ministry effectiveness.
Within a year of becoming a Christian I had become the president of our school’s Fellowship of Christian Athletes huddle. People were often patting me on the back for being such a good Christian. I can remember more than one kid signing my year book and saying something about how much they saw Jesus in me. One youth leader told me that, after being a Christian only a little over a year, that I had a level of maturity greater than some who had been in the faith for 10 years or more.
I went off to college and continued
along this path. I decided that, right
from the start, I would let everyone know where I stood, so on my first day on
campus I wore a T-shirt that said “I Love Jesus – I Am Not Ashamed.” After my parents had dropped me off I
immediately got on my bicycle and rode to the
In college I tried to become a “Super Christian.” I was involved in
the Baptist Campus Ministries, Campus Crusade for Christ, and the Fellowship of
Christian Athletes. I was deeply
involved in a church and at one point was chosen to be an intern with the youth
department. They let me and a couple of
other guys live in a house on the church property for free while we were
serving.
I continued to receive accolades for being such a good Christian. I can remember one young lady (not a girlfriend, by the way) who told me that she had written to someone back home to tell them about me. She told me that I was such a great Christian, and had so many strong convictions and all kinds of things.
In saying all of this I am not
bragging, but pointing out the deadly dangers of being a “good Christian.” In Philippians 3, the apostle Paul gives a
litany of things that he had done that qualified him as a “good Jew,” and he
said that he counted them all as rubbish compared to the surpassing value of
knowing Jesus Christ. That is how I look
back at that time in my life. I don’t
regret it, because it was all a part of God’s sovereign plan for my life, but
it is not a time that I look back on with any sense of pride.
I started out loving Jesus and wanting to serve Him more than anything else. But somewhere along the line, I am not sure where or when, it occurred to me that this Christianity thing was something I was good at. Remember, I was never good at anything else. I was ok, but on my best days I was mediocre, though some times I could be on the good side of mediocrity.
Christianity was something I could
be good at. Somewhere along the line I
started believing what people were saying about me – that I was such a good
Christian. And somewhere along the same
line there was a subtle, almost imperceptible shift in my motivation. Somewhere along the lines love for Jesus had
been transformed into a love for being known as a good Christian.
The Pharisees of Jesus day were like this. They were the epitome of righteousness. But they didn’t love righteousness; they loved to be known as those who were righteous. Similarly, I came to love my status as a member of the spiritual elite more than I loved Jesus.
Outwardly, I was doing all the right things – I never missed church, I went to every retreat that anyone offered, I took every kind of evangelism training program I could find, I spoke to youth, led bible studies and did oh so much for the kingdom of God.
Inwardly though, I was losing
delight in the things of God. Prayer was
becoming a chore and the bible was losing its thrill. I struggled mightily with the “lusts of the
flesh.” I wanted a girlfriend more than
I wanted God.
And there were even cracks in my public personae. Those who didn’t know me that well thought I was a wonderful Christian, but my best friend, whom I roomed with knew better. One of the watershed moments of my life came about one day when we were driving through campus. We got into a discussion about what we were going to do when we got out of college. I told him that I planned to go into the ministry.
He nearly drove the car off the
road. He said “there is no way that you
should ever go into the ministry. You
are so opinionated, you always think you are right and you are always telling
people what to do. No one will ever
listen to you.”
My reaction was to pray for him. He just didn’t recognize the greatness of the spiritual giant sitting next to him. Further, he was probably under conviction of sin in the presence of such spiritual excellence.
When I say that this was a
watershed moment I mean that it became a watershed moment for me years later,
when God used others to open my eyes to my pride and arrogance. I was able to look back and realize that God
was trying to tell me something that day back in college.
In the quote from Tim Keller that I started with he says that a failure to recognize that the gospel is the “A to Z” of the Christian life leads to ministry ineffectiveness. This was certainly the case in my life as I will talk about in the next section.
David:
This is feeling a whole lot like "24" to me: I keep waiting for the next episode to see what happens! (Delayed gratification and frustration tolerance are issues for me - can you tell?)
At any rate, you display a lot of insight, self-awareness, and humility in your testimony. I appreciate your openness.
P.S. - Hurry up!
Posted by: Mike | February 02, 2005 at 10:29 AM
Oh boy can I relate. Especially the bit about your friend "not recognizing the spiritual giant" he was sitting next to, and how you prayed for him. I've done that.
Just this past saturday my own mother told me that I used to drive my father crazy. That hurt. It's pretty embarassing to remember what I was like at the height of my spiritual arrogance. I'm very thankful for God's grace & the forgiveness of others.
Posted by: Feeble Knees | February 02, 2005 at 11:47 AM
Hey, David, I bet my life was more pathetic than yours (but for pretty much the same reasons). I actually am working on my story (and may borrow from your outline a little if that's OK), because I figure I have about 170 kids from high school that I need to apologize to (maybe just 140). I'll have to condense it quite a bit, though, if I want anyone to read to it. I'll let you read it when I'm finished, hopefully while the vast majority of these now middle-aged people are still alive.
Posted by: Alison | February 02, 2005 at 05:12 PM
David-
I'm being blessed by your sharing.
Here I see you walking out these scriptures:
Proverbs 27:21 The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but man is tested by the praise he receives.
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
Praise God for his faithfulness and for your faithful witness.
Posted by: Bob(A.) | February 03, 2005 at 09:42 PM
I have just visited this blog and like the intelligent and holy respect shown. I am a yello-dog Democrat, born-again Christian from Austin, Texas(ain't that a mix).I appreciate your openness in praying for President and Mrs. Clinton during those years. I was so turned off at the attitude in the full gospel churches here in Austin during Bush's first campaign. Voting guides in every churchpew "urging" to vote for Bush, money-grubbing for faith-based monies, and the pure hatred for the Clintons. I attended more than one service, visiting various, but all of them preached "George Bush" more than they preached about Jesus...not ONE sermon went by without the pastor(s) telling the congregation that Bush was a Man of God.
Posted by: Stella | March 23, 2005 at 05:18 PM