My Journey into Grace Part 1

A couple of months ago the session of my church asked me to write two pamphlets for us to put in our literature rack.  One was to be directed toward Christians and the other toward non-Christians.  We were hoping that we could have something that our folks might share with their friends and neighbors that would be helpful, and that would be from a local source.

As I have thought about this, it occurs to me that one of the best things I could write would be my own testimony.  After all, I know more about my own testimony than anything else, so why not share it.

So, I thought I would also share it here on my blog as I write it.  Any feedback would be appreciated as we prepare to print this.  I'll serialize it over the next several days.  For those of you who have read my blog for awhile you've seen snippets of a lot of this stuff, but this is an attempt to gather the snippets together into one place so we can put it in a printable format.

You'll see that this is not your basic three minute testimony.  I wanted to share a good deal more in depth as I think I have had some temptations and experiences that are "common to man," and could be helpful to others.

I recently mentioned in a sermon that my testimony is one that has far more failure in it than anything else. I hope this will be encouraging to many who live with a sense of failure - the sense that they are not measuring up to what they think they should be for Christ.  On the other hand, if there is anyone out there who considers themselves to be a spiritual success, I hope my testimony will be used to humble them the way God has humbled me.

If you are still with me and want to keep reading, what follows is an introduction and an account of my early years in the faith. 

I. Introduction

I read biographies of famous Christians from time to time, and because I attend many conferences and other Christian gatherings, I get to hear many Christian testimonies.  Most of these are testimonies of spiritual success.  Granted, all of these "great testimonies" begin with a story of a person who was deep in sin or failure of some sort, but then they proceed to tell of how God rescued them and led them to a life of spiritual success.

I could spin my story that way.  I have met people who think that pastors are a kind of spiritual elite, that someone who has become a pastor has reached a pinnacle of spirituality that sets them apart from the "ordinary Christian" ("ordinary Christian" - what a rotten phrase!).  The only place left to go for such a person is to the mission field, at which time they reach the highest point in Christendom. 

My story is a little different.  It's a story of failure in the Christian life.  It's a story of a guy who thought he was a great spiritual success but who has had to learn, and is still learning, to get over himself.  In this story I have chosen to focus on my spiritual failures, not because I've got this horrible self-image, not because I'm a masochist, not because I'm looking for pity, nor because I am trying to feign humility. 

I've chosen to tell it this way because most Christians I meet live with a sense that they really aren't what they should be.  Many Christians struggle with guilt.  They are glad they are going to heaven but they figure they'll just kind of sneak in.  I'm hoping that my own story of failure will help ease their burden a bit as it is a testimony of God's grace in the lives of spiritual failures.

To be sure, there are those who think they have their spiritual acts together, and though they'll admit they aren't quite perfect yet, they think they are doing pretty good.  I used to think the same thing of myself, but found that I was driving away the very people to whom I sought to minister.  And, though I wouldn't admit it to anyone else, my heart was growing cold toward the things of God.

As I talk about my failures, you may think that I must be pretty miserable.  Actually, I've never been happier in my life.  Believe it or not, there is a certain sense of joy in recounting some of these failures as I look back upon the goodness of God in teaching me through them.  My wife and I sometimes talk about things we have said, things we have believed about ourselves and things we have done and we actually find some of these things humorous.  We laugh and wonder how we could have done these things.

You may also wonder what a spiritual failure like myself is doing in the ministry.  I had a former pastor who became very convicted about the sinfulness of his own heart and spoke of it publicly from time to time.  A man in the congregation took me aside after one such admission and told me that this was inappropriate for a pastor.  He was to be the spiritual leader of the flock and couldn't lead if he still had such sin in his heart. This man didn't understand the depth of his own depravity.  This past year I met a pastor who said that the pastor is supposed to be the lead repenter in a congregation, and I think that is fair to say.  I am not calloused about the sin in my heart, nor am I flippant about failure. But I am also realistic enough to admit that I don't have it altogether and if a church wants a pastor who has his act all together, they don't want me.  A pastor is a leader, not in the sense that he is spiritually better than others, but in the sense that he grasps his need of Jesus more than others and tenaciously pursues him.  Yet, without being aware of one's own sinfulness, how will he see his need for Jesus.

So, I hope these words are an encouragement to you as you follow Christ.

Comments

[amber lynn]

Mr. Jollyblogger,

I really like your style. I am 28 and I love listening to older Christians who have been shaped and molded over the years to realize that they don't know it all. I appreciate this honesty and sincerity. I read part one. So far, so good!

[richard mcintosh]

Dear Jolly Blogger,

Have written a reply to your post.

Richard

[Mountain Mama]

What a breath of fresh air your testamony is!!
It is testamonies like yours that make Salvation believable and reachable to the millions who feel they just aren't good enough and never could be, to ever be a "Christian."
Every Christian hits 'potholes' in their walk. Of course we aren't perfect, we make mistakes, we repent, we are forgiven. This is the great and miraculous gift of salvation.
Thank you for a great message.

[Dory]

Oh, I remember when I thought I had reached the pinnacle of holiness! That was when I was a baby, baby Christian. The irony is that as we become more and more conformed to Christ, our sin becomes all the more glaring in our own eyes. God humbles us as He sanctifies us. Although I mourn more now over my sin, I also delight more in how much has been forgiven. And when I look at those brothers and sisters that I admire so much for their holiness--and think, "I hope I'm like him/her when I grow up"--I also see how truly humble they are. God is so good.

[bezahlt]

What!? Pastors aren't perfect! Oh yeah...I knew that! ;)

[Rong]

David,
God bless you for your honesty. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your testimony and hope to find some personal solace in it. Your open honesty is inspiring and if I wasn't so plugged into my church I'd have to take a drive around the beltway to come hear you preach.

Maybe during the summer when I'm on hiatus from teaching I'll do just that.

Peace

[Dean]

I agree that it is a good thing when those that some of us tend to put up on a pedestal are humble enough to admit that they are simply sinners like the rest of us. As Mountain Mama commented, this helps those that believe they have to "get cleaned up" before they "take a bath" (accept Christ's sacrafice and make Him Lord of their life) to know that we all struggle. This struggle is simply "life" on this earth.
Looking forward to the rest of your testimony.