Relationships #3 - The Bottom Line in Relational Conflict

When I was at the Shepherd's Conference in March there was a Q & A session with John MacArthur and someone asked him a question dealing with some statistics on the use of pornography in the church. I think the guy was asking something to the effect of "what can we do about the fact that 25% (or 50%, or whatever the number is) of Christian men are addicted to internet pornography. The first thing MacArthur did was challenge the statistic - he said that is crazy, its like those marriage statistics which say that more Christians divorce than non-Christians. MacArthur said that anytime you look at those statistics they define a "Christian" so broadly that it is meaningless. His point was that most of these people who are addicted to pornography or are divorcing probably aren't Christians.

I'm still fairly amenable to quoting the statistics, but whenever I quote them I never say that these are Christians, I say that they are church members or attenders. This clarifies things. However, since the church is the public face of Christianity, these statistics make an impact on the world around us.

With that minor caveat, I think MacArthur is spot on. If I could summarize what I think he was saying it would be this:

The disconnect between the church's alleged high commitment to marriage and its high rate of divorce is not so much a failure to teach Biblical principles of marriage, it is a failure to teach the Biblical gospel.

And you could substitute just about any behavioral malady for "marriage" in that sentence and still be pretty correct.

We seem to think that marriage troubles, or any other relational troubles, are the result of things like poor communication, failure to understand the other person's point of view, failure to meet needs, or the all purpose catch-all reason - incompatibility. But this is not the case at all. Relational troubles are rooted in a failure to understand and believe the gospel. The gospel calls us to a life of submission to the lordship of Christ and a life of self-denial. The gospel is not merely a ticket to heaven, its the door to a whole new way of life. And, as Calvin said "self-denial is the sum total of the Christian life."

So, there is simply no way to have healthy relationships amongst people who aren't practicing self-denial. Teach someone who is a lover of himself, or self-obsessed in any way, how to communicate or meet needs and you will produce a very skilled manipulator. Bring that person to Christ and teach them the life of self-denial and you've got the makings of someone who can have healthy, Christ-like relationships.

Comments

[Russell Mann]

"Relational troubles are rooted in a failure to understand and believe the gospel."

Huh? Are you serious? How then would it be possible for anyone who isn't a Christian to have a healthy relationship? Are you really suggesting that non-Christians do not have healthy relationships? Or are you suggesting that when two people understand the gospel and are saved, they will automatically have healthy relationships?

[David]

Hey, easy there Russ - do I detect a note of hostility? Those are good questions/counterpoints and I'm willing to dialogue with you on them.
I'll partially concede your point on the non-Christians. I think all of us can probably point to non-Christians who have healthier relationships than professing Christians. Still, I think that even though they don't embrace the gospel, they in effect practice the self-denial that is inherent in it. I still can't see any way that people who are self-absorbed can have a healthy mutual relationship. I guess maybe I could create a scenario where they mutually agree to use one another and are happy with the results.
As to those who are saved automatically having healthy relationships, that's self-evidently not true. However, I don't limit the gospel to an initial decision or salvation experience. The gospel gets you in the door of the Christian faith and carries you to throughout the Christian life. At it's root the gospel is all about self-denial and grace. In that respect, I think the Christian enjoys healthy relationships to the extent that he or she lives in accordance with the gospel.

[Adrian Warnock]

I call this self-denial meekness. I do believe that it should be the fruit of a Christians submission to God, but recognise that non-christians can sometimes practice it.

I have blogged on this more over at my blog- do pop by.....

[dopderbeck]

David, I can hang with you a bit on this one, but just a bit. True, a lack of fruitfullness is evidence of a lack of genuine faith. Faith without works is dead. And, I think you're right that the root of relational problems is sin, not psychosis (although I probably am a little more "friendly" to some psychological theory than you might be).

On the other hand, it just goes to far to conclude that "most" people who are porn-addicted or divorcing aren't Christians -- indeed, I think it's more than a bit self-righteous. As it says in 1 John, if we say we're without sin, we decieve ourselves. Thankfully, I haven't given in to the temptation of pornography. But does that mean I don't struggle with lust on a daily basis? Of course not, nor does it mean I'm free from a host of other relationship-plauging sins, like greed, jealousy, anger, etc. Like Paul (and probably more so), in this sense I'm a "wretched man" trapped in a "body of death," even though I've been redeemed and am being sanctified.

So, I may well understand and believe the gospel, but because my race isn't yet finished and I'm not yet perfect, I will continue to have broken relationships. Living the gospel is a process as well as a one-time decision, and I think we need to be careful not to write off folks who are wrestling and stumbling through the process.

[David]

David - no self-righteousness was intended in those comments. I am with you in the daily struggle against lust and the others you mentioned. I've mentioned several times on this blog that Romans 7 is the story of my life. However, I think that where MacArthur was going, and where I would certainly agree, is that not all who name the name of Christ are really His. And this could explain alot of the problems we are addressing here.
From a pastoral perspective your point is well taken. I know plenty of people in my family and in my church who didn't want the divorce, who were left by their partner. For them, I wouldn't want them to question their faith for a minute. But, what about the one who leaves with no biblical grounds and no sign of repentance. The vast majority of divorces fit into this category. Should I assume that this person is saved though they blatantly reject the clear counsel of God's Word? The biblical teachings on church discipline tell us that there comes a time, after many rejections of counsel and admonition that we have to treat the sinning person as an unbeliever.
On the pornography thing you are correct. This is one of those areas in our society where even the godliest Christian man can't escape and many fall into an obsession with it. I have great sympathy for those who battle with this as I battled it mightily in my teen years and early twenties. Still there are just as many who claim to be Christians and they aren't even trying to battle it. I think those folks ought to worry about the state of their souls.
Anyway, thanks for fulfilling your calling as the gadfly on this one ;-)