JOLLYBLOGGER

My cancer story so far - part 4

So far I have been telling about those first few days after I found out I had cancer and how I and my family dealt with the news.  Today I want to turn a corner and share what has been uppermost in my own mind after the initial shock wore off, and that is, is it possible to live a joyful life with cancer and the threat of death hanging over your head?

I can remember reading something on the internet about colon cancer and they said that most people who find out they have colon cancer see their mental and emotional well-being decline precipitously.  I wondered about that in those first few days.  I figured that even if my cancer was bad I still had awhile to live and I knew that I didn't want to spend the rest of my days mourning and moping around, but I wondered how I would not do that.

So I have wrestled to find a path for joy through the cancer and I think that for the most part, I have found it.  That's not to say I don't have some down moments.  A week or so ago I was researching some of the medications I would be taking with the chemo and all of the literature was discussing how this medication may have prolonged someone's life for a few months and this other one for a few months more.  Needless to say this was a hope-killer as it was discussing life in terms of a matter of months.  When I read that I broke down.  But fortunately my wife came up and laid down with me for awhile and I was able to recalibrate where my hope came from - my hope came from the Lord and not doctors. Another time my we had a gorgeous day here and the weather wasn't oppressively cold so my wife wanted to take a walk.  But this was one of my "fatigue days" and after a few hundred yards I just wanted to go back home - that got me discouraged because it was a reminder of my weakness.

I give you that last paragraph so that what I won't appear to be all spiritual and happy-clappy in what I will write from here on out.  There is no getting around the fact that cancer is emotionally tough (understatement of the year).   Also, I'm healing very well right now - I don't sense that I'm in any particular state of decline right now so that helps.  I want to be sensitive to those who are in a state of decline now or to family members who may be watching a loved one waste away or may have just lost a loved one to cancer.  I want you to know that I don't consider my situation normative for everyone and I understand that your path to joy may look different than mine.

But having said all of that I have a strong conviction that the Christian faith was made for times like this. Christianity is a faith born in the midst of suffering and it is uniquely made for suffering.  And the Christian faith is a joyful faith so it seems to me that finding the greatest joy in the midst of the greatest suffering is the Christian's calling and I take it to be mine.

In fact over the past few weeks I have sensed very clearly that I have a twofold calling.  If I am to die a little earlier than expected then I am called to walk joyfully through the valley of death with my Good Shepherd and to witness to the world that it is possible to have joy and courage in the midst of the most difficult circumstances.  Secondly, if I am to live on for many years then I am called to be a witness to the world that the Lord is the Healer and that my hope and joy are in Him, not in life extension.

Humility is the Beginning of Theologizing

HT - Ray Ortlund

Martin Lloyd-Jones on Unhappy Christians

I'm awash in quotes this week from Martin Lloyd-Jones book Spiritual Depression (I am sure I am making Adrian Warnock happy by quoting the Doctor so much).  Here's one on the problem of unhappy Christians:

Believing as I do that the greatest need of the hour is a revived and joyful Church the subject dealt with in these sermons is to me of the greatest possible importance. Unhappy Christians are, to say the least, a poor recommendation for the Christian Faith; and there can be little doubt but that the exuberant joy of the early Christians was one of the most potent factors in the spread of Christianity.

As I mentioned here I believe that I have been given a calling, and a unique opportunity, to demonstrate the joy that is ours in Christ and I am determined to take joy and happiness very seriously in the future ;-)  I'm also committed to reminding my fellow Christians of their duty and opportunity to be joyful in Christ.

HT and thanks to Justin Buzzard for this.

Listening - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

All I can say to this is "amen!"

The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship consists in listening to them. Just as love to God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for brethren is learning to listen to them. It is God's love for us that He not only gives us His Word  but also lends us His ear. So it is His work that we do for our brother when we learn to listen to him. Christians, especially ministers, so often think they must always contribute something when they are in the company of others, that this is the one service they have to render. They forget that listening can be a greater service than speaking.

Many people are looking for an ear that will listen. They do not find it among Christians, because these Christians are talking when they should be listening. But he who can no longer listen to his brother will soon no longer be listening to God either; he will be doing nothing but prattle in the presence of God too. This is the beginning of the death of the spiritual life, and in the end there is nothing left but spiritual chatter and clerical condescension arrayed in pious words. One who cannot listen long and patiently will presently be talking beside the point and be never really speaking to others, albeit he be not conscious of it. Anyone who thinks that his time is too valuable to spend keeping quiet will eventually have no time for God and his brother, but only for himself and for his own follies. (Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together, 97-98)

HT and thanks to Molly Friesen at Peacemakers for this.

Spurgeon on Death

Phil Johnson of the Pyromaniacs has just lost his mom to cancer, so please pray for him and his family.  Dan Phillips has a nice testimony of the unwavering faith of Phil's mom here.  In his "weekly dose of Spurgeon" Phil shares some of Spurgeon's thoughts on the subject of death, thoughts I wholeheartedly agree with and commend for you consideration:

MAN IS UNWILLING to consider the subject of death. The shroud, the mattock and the grave, he labors to keep continually out of sight. He would live here always if he could; and since he cannot, he at least will put away every emblem of death as far as possible from his sight. Perhaps there is no subject so important, which is so little thought of. Our common proverb that we use is just the expression of our thoughts, "We must live." But if we were wiser we should alter it and say, "We must die." Necessity for life there is not; life is a prolonged miracle. Necessity for death there certainly is, it is the end of all things. Oh that the living would lay it to heart!

Father John Neuhaus's Farewell

Many of you know about the recent passing of Father John Neuhaus, editor of First Things.  In the February issue of First Things he mentioned his own struggle with cancer and spoke words which to some degree I am already able to embrace but hope much more to embody in the future.  For my Protestant friends, please don't let some of the Roman Catholic particularities here cause you to miss the forest for the trees.  This is one of the most compelling expressions I have read of how to live life in a fallen world for those who are facing illness and those who aren't.

“As of this writing, I am contending with a cancer, presently of unknown origin. … I am grateful beyond measure for your prayers storming the gates of heaven. Be assured that I neither fear to die nor refuse to live. If it is to die, all that has been is but a slight intimation of what is to be.  If it is to live, there is much that I hope to do in the interim. … Who knew that at this point in life I would be understanding, as if for the first time, the words of Paul, ‘When I am weak, then I am strong’? This is not a farewell. Please God, we will be pondering together the follies and splendors of the Church and the world for years to come. But maybe not. In any event, when there is an unidentified agent in your body aggressively attacking the good things your body is intended to do, it does concentrate the mind. The entirety of our prayer is ‘Your will be done’ — not as a note of resignation but of desire beyond expression. To that end, I commend myself to your intercession and that of all the saints and angels who accompany us each step through time toward home.”

May we all neither fear to die nor refuse to live!!

HT - NCRegister.com

Health Update 1-22-09

I went to the oncologist today and this was my last appointment before the start of the chemo so I thought I'd give you an update.

After 2 CT scans, a PET Scan, an MRI and innumerable blood tests here's what we knows.  As mentioned before this is stage 4 metastatic colon cancer.  The tumors in other parts of the body were thrown off from the colon, so by removing that section of colon through surgery, hopefully it's not throwing off any new cancer cells and hopefully we won't get any new tumors, although that could happen.  I have 2 marble sized lesions in my left lung and 2 larger tumors in the liver.  Back when I was in the hospital my surgeon said that he saw a tumor the size of a grapefruit in my liver.  That's not the case.  Lynette and I have joked that the surgeon is not originally from America so maybe he has some of his American citrus fruits confused.  I have one tumor that is roughly 5.5cm x 5.5cm and another slightly smaller tumor in the liver.  So, I don't know - maybe it's a small clementine sized tumor. 

The doctor explained that the scans can only pick up tumors that are a certain size, so there are probably cancer cells in other places of the body that we just can't see.  This is why this won't be treated with surgery - chemo is a systemic treatment that will treat all the cancer.

I did have a powerport put in my chest on Tuesday of this week.  If you are unfamiliar with that (which I was) it's a literal port that is just below my collar bone on the right side and this is where they will insert the needle each time for the chemo.  A line runs from there to a vein or artery or something near my heart so that the chemo can get dispersed the best that way.  The reason they do the port is so as not to use up my veins with IV's all the time. 

Chemo starts next Tuesday 1/27 and I'll go in for that every other week, and it will be on Monday's after that.  They said I'll be in there on Monday's for 4-6 hours, but I can take reading material and my laptop to work on sermons.  Then, before I leave, they give me a pump which will supply medicine over a 46 hour period and I'll go in 2 days later to have it removed.

So that's what we know for now.  I'm feeling pretty good these days - the installation of the port was a day surgery so that kind of wiped me out for a couple of days but I'm feeling good today.  I'm even planning on going to watch my son wrestle tonight. Chemo is a whole new phase and we'll see how it goes from there.  Thanks for your support and your prayers.

Talking to Yourself is Good

Jared Wilson at The Gospel Driven Church has a good quote from Martin Lloyd Jones' book Spiritual Depression on the need to talk back to yourself:

Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself? Take those thoughts that come to you the moment you wake up in the morning. You have not originated them, but they start talking to you, they bring back the problems of yesterday, etc.

Somebody is talking. Who is talking? Your self is talking to you. Now this man’s treatment was this; instead of allowing this self to talk to him, he starts talking to himself. "Why art thou cast down, O my soul?" he asks. His soul had been depressing him, crushing him. So he stands up and says: "Self, listen for a moment, I will speak to you . . ."

The main art in the matter of spiritual living is to know how to handle yourself. You have to take yourself in hand, you have to address yourself, preach to yourself, question yourself. You must say to your soul: "Why art thou cast down" -– what business have you to be disquieted?

You must turn on yourself, upbraid yourself, condemn yourself, exhort yourself, and say to yourself: "Hope thou in God" -– instead of muttering in this depressed, unhappy way. And then you must go on to remind yourself of God, Who God is, and what God is and what God has done, and what God has pledged Himself to do.

Then having done that, end on this great note: defy yourself, and defy other people, and defy the devil and the whole world, and say with this man: "I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance, who is also the health of my countenance and my God.”

That is something I am taking to heart in this season of my life.  It is my duty and calling to speak the gospel to myself and, to borrow a phrase from John Piper - to fight for joy, and not let the illness cause my soul to become downcast.

My cancer story so far - part 3

As I'm sharing my "cancer story so far" so far I've been focusing on those first few days after we found out about it and those were some of our most difficult days.  I wanted to assure you though, that I am not going through life depressed and morose.  Yes,  I have some down moments but for the most part I am full of joy these days.  All of those things that seem to be just so much sentimentalism are true - I am grateful for my life, I am very happy just to go to church and see the folks and I am enjoying and appreciating my family more than ever.  I live with gratitude to God more than ever right now and yet feel a distinct calling from him to not waste my cancer nor the days I have left, whether they be hundreds or thousands.

Having said that I wanted to move on and address one issue I raised in my last post, and that is, how do you absorb the kind of news that I had to absorb right around Christmas.   My old college roomie, and one of my all time best buds, Steve Price, asked me that the day after I found out about the extent of my cancer and at the time I didn't really know what to say. I've had a little time to reflect now and am willing to take a stab at an answer.

The short answer to how you absorb a blow like that is that you don't, the blow pretty much absorbs you.

I've mentioned before that Lance Armstrong said it was like being run off the road by a truck when he found out he had cancer.  I've kind of expanded on that analogy in my own thoughts and liken it to getting run over by a Mack truck.

Imagine you are walking down a road minding your own business, lost in your own reverie, when something arrests your attention, you snap back to reality and you realize a Mack truck is bearing down on you.  It's coming too fast and you have not time to jump out of the way.  At that point you can jump up, jump down, run forward, run backward, or stay still - it doesn't matter - the truck is going to hit you and you are going to get hurt very bad.  In such a situation all of the power and all of the initiative is with the truck, you will go where the truck decides you will go.  Hence, the truck absorbs you, you don't absorb it.

I realize that every illustration breaks down and in reality most anyone who gets run over by a Mack truck will be killed instantly.  But for the sake of this illustration, let's assume that the initial collision doesn't kill you, it is survivable, though it injures you badly.  Assuming that, what do you do?

Back by popular demand.....

Hello again fellow bloggers. It is not David Wayne, but rather the Jollette! According to my father, I'm wanted back in the blogsphere. Who knew?
    My dad kept telling me that I needed to blog, but I had to idea what to write. The only reason I blogged before was to keep everyone updated on my dad's progress, but he's doing really well and I feel like there's no reason to blog. Nevertheless, I decided to give it a shot.

At my school, there is a worship band called the Isaiah 26:8 band. For those of you who don't have your Bible siting at your lap, this is the verse that the band is inspired by, "Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts." This band leads the whole entire school in worship every Wednesday. Ever since last year I've wanted to be in this band. Now that I'm a sophomore, I'm allowed to be (the band is only open to sophomores and up). One day in November, I turned in an application for the band, and a week later was my audition. The audition went really well, but after wards there was an interview. A lot of the interview questions were on the application (I don't know if that's how it is at job interviews, I've never had one, so someone who has, can tell me that). One of the questions he asked (that I answered on the application) was, "What does a heart of worship mean to you?" It wasn't a hard question for me, after all, I had already answered it once, but for some reason, saying it out loud, was really hard for me. I told him that, to me, a heart of worship is when your whole heart and soul are engrossed in worshiping the King. Nothing in this world can distract you when you worship and when you're not in a worship service, it's also finding little (and big) things to worship God for.
    Now that some time has passed, and all the events of this Christmas season has occurred, to me a heart of worship is a little different. I'd like to keep everything I already said but add this: To me, a heart of worship is also taking the bad things in life and praising God for them.
    As cliche as that may sound, it's important in your relationship with God, as I'm learning. Most, if not all of you know about my dad being diagnosed with cancer this Christmas, so that little personal definition of a heart of worship has been hard to apply, but sometimes I can apply it, and then I realize that not praising God for my dad's cancer is pretty stupid and pointless. When we kept getting those calls from people asking about my dad, one of his old mentors called, and when my dad said that he had cancer, he literally said, "Praise the Lord!" So praise the Lord whether your life is good or bad. (He said that because my dad might die- but he'd go to heaven. Great...)

Now I KNOW my version of a Heart of Worship is not as deep as it could be, and I'm pretty sure everyone has their own definition of a Heart of Worship, so please tell me what you think it is.

Quote of the day...and a half:

David Wayne and mad libs are like peanut butter and jelly
                                            ~Catalin Simpson

Oh yeah, one more thing, I got into the Isaiah 26:8 band!