Superficiality as the Foundation for Meaningful Relationships

Everyone knows that deep, meaningful conversations about the things that matter most are the foundation of relationships - right?  Um . . . maybe not.

Back in the day, when we were young and blogging was new, I had a blog buddy I read a good deal called "The Dane."  I haven't kept up with him as much in recent years, to my loss I know, but the other day I came across a comment he left on another blog about relationships and it really got me thinking.  He had some deep thoughts about the trivialities on which relationships were built. 

I'll beg your indulgence for just a moment as I set the scene for the Dane's deep thoughts on some relational superficialities.  Rich Clark at Christ and Pop Culture (an excellent blog) started a Twitter Firestorm which yo can read all about by following the links in this post. It's a very interesting discussion on the merits/demerits of twitter.  A few of the issues that arise in the whole Twitter discussion are the waste-of-time issue, the who-cares issue, and does-anyone-really-need-to-know-that-about-you issue.  These are all worthy topics but this is where the Dane comes in and raises an important point that has application to all relationships:

Relationships are rarely built solely upon the shoulders of conversations that quote-unquote matter. My best and closest friendships are founded on lives lived together—and we would have particularly tepid lives if we hesitated to let the other know: “Dude! I had the best chorizo burrito this morning!” or “I just got back from seeing Before Sunset and it’s everything I could want from a sequel!” or “I have the sniffles.” That stuff right there is the grist of friendships. The heady, quote-unquote worthwhile conversations—the stuff that doesn’t just take up time—may direct relationships but if that’s all there is, you aren’t friends. Just colleagues.

That’s why I don’t mind seeing otherwise superfluous details related in status updates. If I’m reading a good friend and they say, “Just had hot chocolate,” I am in a way taking part in their experience because I can picture them having it and can enjoy the fact that they have just experienced something enjoyable.

I find this thought profound and as I read it I realized this was something I intuitively knew.  Someone once said that a good writer is one who can say what you were thinking better than you could have said it or who can say what you were thinking but just couldn't put into words.

I think the Dane was saying that "conversations that 'matter'" are an important part of relationships but they aren't the be all and end all of them.  I don't think you can ever get to those until you've gotten good and comfortable with the more superficial and trivial conversations.  I mean really, it would be "deep" if my wife and I got into a conversation about the merits of supralapsarianism vs. infralapsarianism, but that won't "deepen" our relationship near as much as knowing that she likes tulips and I hate fish and me telling some silly story that makes her laugh.  Similarly, when it comes to my guy friends, I always enjoy a deep theological conversation, and in the church there is lots of business that needs to be discussed, but those are the conversations of associates.  Relationships are built on deep conversations about SEC football and endless "oh yeah, that's nothing, I can top that" stories.

There's another angle to this that I'll only mention briefly and that is that if we take ourselves and life very seriously we'll tend to always be trying to start one of those serious "conversations that matter."  I think we might find that, paradoxically, those who take themselves and their lives less seriously can often go deeper on these matters.  Chesterton said:

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity.

Maybe that works for relationships too - relationships fly when they are comfortable with the lighter side of life. 

And in conclusion, while writing this post I have finished an Atkins bar, drank a diet pepsi-max, been to the restroom exactly once and had brief conversations with two ladies from the church who are here to straighten some things up.

Comments

[Chris D.]

Begs the question - are you twittering?

Your post reminded me that some of the best “serious conversations” take place during a long car ride, or on overnight trips when there is lots of time for small chatter.

Pulling me in a room for a “serious conversation” just makes me fearful and not very conversant. I think we are just like our teenagers, we need lots of chatter about nothing before we really open our hearts.

[Paul]

David . . . I loved this post. It reminded of the time my father (who is a pastor) came to visit and was anxious to join me for my weekly accountability breakfast with my two life-long friends (who are also pastors). He was anticipating deep theological debate and discussion of life in ministry and instead he was privileged to listen in on a two hour discussion of the way people smell and different types of deodorant. Classic.

[Religious Check]

Great post, i couldnt agree more

[David Wayne]

Chris D - not twittering but I am facebooking. I agree with the whole bit about pulling me into a room for a serious conversation.

Paul - hilarious, but you left us hanging here, what's the best kind of deodorant?

Paul will remember this, but for the rest of you, I used to be on a committee of youth ministers who planned and ran youth camps for several presbyteries in Florida. We would all get together for a day long meeting three to five times a year and we would always have an "agenda" so to speak. The trouble was that we could hardly keep to the agenda. We'd start off with a time of "sharing" which usually deteriorated into wild laughter after about three minutes and we would sometimes go several hours with stories. But the funny thing is that one minute we'd be falling on the floor laughing and then we'd have these oh by the way moments where something serious would be shared, we'd go into an intense time of prayer and then a few minutes after that we'd all be laughing our heads off again and then somewhere towards the end of the day we'd get down to business and get all kinds of things accomplished.

The thing is - those camps were some of the best camps a kid could ever go to but I don't think they would have been near as good if we had all taken our jobs very seriously and been all business minded about it. I think people who can laugh and horse around together can generally accomplish more than those who take themselves and their jobs too seriously. I think the same thing applies in activities like small groups and other things.

[Sam Osborne]

I remember when my faith deepened early in college, I was bound and determined to make every conversation with anybody about God, salvation, Jesus, judgement, sin, hell, damnation, and eternity. Now, I agree that such things MUST be dealt with, but brow-beating people with these things won't change their hearts. Genuine love and willingness to bear patiently with others in their trials of life, big and small, while graciously sharing the Truth of God at the appropriate time will work wonders. Once God saves us, we can finally enjoy the little things in life like we never could before. God had the hairs on our head numbered, so even the minutiae matters.

"Relationships are built on deep conversations about SEC football..."

Amen to that, David! The question is, can a Percy-less Gator squad beat 'Bama? I would say yes; not as stylishly perhaps, but yes, they can.

[Tara Leigh Cobble]

Right on, man.

Also, I'm drinking blueberry tea from Trader Joe's while sitting in my apartment in NYC's East Village with the window open to the 41-degree night.

[Ricky H]

The Dane is always good for some thoughtful insight.

Although I don't do Twitter, I agree whole-heartedly about the importance of the seemingly smaller stuff in relationships. It's like the little things fill in the spaces between the "big" things, and end up strengthening the whole as a result.

One of my favorite quotes is:

"If you take life so seriously that you can't laugh at it -- then you don't take it seriously enough."

[kate ortiz]

this is good, david. a group i'm a part of is reading through "the pursuit of god in the company of friends" by richard lamb. lamb focuses quite a bit on what you talk about here. it's kind of amusing to be told that it is good and right to have conversations about chorizo burritos and diet pepsi max vs. water, yes?

and i'm sitting here wishing i had something to drink and getting ready to go move the ugly ornaments to the back of the tree.

[David Wayne]

Sam - you have actually raised the most important and deepest issue confronting us today and I for one say yes - the Gators can win w/o Percy but we would win much bigger with him!

Kate - do you have any idea how hard it is for me to call you "Kate" and not "Katie," but now that you are all grown up I must treat you with the dignity you deserve. But enough about that - let's face it - you and I still being friends has less to do with my sterling life changing messages that you had to endure each week and deep long conversations than with me rolling on the floor at the antics of "Aunt Katie," playing butt basketball and all kinds of stuff like that - ahh yes indeed - those were the good ol' days.

[nancy]

i had lamb and left over stir-fry for dinner :-)