Egads - People Can't Talk to Pastors

I have put the "Dear God" blog in my rss reader and it's often interesting - people post anonymous prayers to God.  In this post a guy talks about how he was a pastor for 23 years and how it killed him.  Here's the part of the post that got to me the most:

Now that I am not a pastor, people are honest with me. I had no idea how hard life was for so many people because when they came on my “turf” they pretended just as much as I did.

Wow! I had never thought of that.  Evidently people feel a great deal of pressure to look good in front of the reverend.  I didn't realize that I as a pastor, may be projecting something that causes people to hide from me.  I see it a bit in those settings where, once someone finds out you are a pastor they clean up their language and get all embarrassed about the things they just said.

I don't know what the answer is but I know this isn't good. This means that at any given time most of us are ministering to a bunch of facades, not real people.  I guess it's because we pastors are projecting a facade. 

Comments

[CCD]

Truer then you can imagine.

Two pastors come to mind - 1) You could be honest with, 2) You had to pretend or hide most anything. The later pastor would be extremely upset to find this out - it is unintentional. But he is a true believer in you must "show your good works before men, so God may be glorified" and lives to be as good as he can be (to glorify God). The first pastor - sees himself as a sinner dependent on grace and in his many faults points through himself to Christ who lived the perfect life for him and is his righteousness.

It's not that the 2nd pastor would disagree - on the contrary, he would fully agree. But he is afraid to besmirch the name of God and is afraid for all that do. The emphasis is on sanctification, and not justification. Deadly!!!

[franklin]

I remember my senior pastor telling me that if you want to be a pastor it's a lonely job because you can't reveal yourself fully to anyone. I think that is so sad and yet I wonder if that isn't the thought process of many pastors. AS a result, people don't fully reveal themselves to you.

The church continues to reinforce the distinction between clergy and laity. The idea of the priesthood of all believers seems to be just a reformation idea that has lost much of its punch.

Much to say...but wont. Btw, I enjoy your blog.

[Jim Vellenga]

I'm not sure what to think about this. First, is this really something that surprises you? I know it doesn't surprise me. I have heard too many stories from pastors about how people won't open up to them, not to mention my own experience has shown the truth of it.

As for opening up to people, I tried that. For a stretch of time when someone asked how I was doing I would give them an actual answer of how I am doing rather than the "Fine" which most people expect. The result was not having them open up with how things are going with them, but a thought that there was something wrong with me because other pastors they had in the past never had those sort of struggles. Oh how little they know.

We live in a time when people are very closed off to others. I don't think that is good, but it is part of the culture we are in right now in spite of all the talk about authenticity.

[Milton Stanley]

I wouldn't be too quick to assume people hide behind facades with ministers because we're projecting our own facades. Isn't it equally plausible that some folks are more averse to the truth we tell than to that which we conceal?

I second what Jim Vellenga writes.

If anything, I've found that most Christians I know want me to be more guarded and artificial than I really am. As much as I hear other preachers talk about how folks want ministers to be vulnerable and "authentic," I've yet to find very many people who actually want me to be that way.

So am I talking out of both sides of my mouth here? Maybe so, but the point is this: folks will wear facades in front of ministers whether the ministers do so or not. Sure, we have an obligation to do the best we can in being open and putting others at ease, but whether or not they find us approachable may sometimes have more to do with their issues than with ours.

[Milton Stanley]

Sorry about the italics explosion I caused below from my errant html tag. I meant to italicize only the word me.

[franklin]

I know the context of the post was about people being "honest" with you but I really don't think any of that is the issue. What other do is often beyond our control. However, the thinking that keeps pastors "behind walls" whether it be the peoples thinking or the pastors thinking is wrong thinking. It is not Gospel Thinking.

Obviously, anyone should use wisdom in "revealing" themselves. We're not looking for spiritual exhibitionism! LOL

IMHO, though too many pastors remain aloof...detached and hidden. I think they tend to live up to the expectations of the people as someone who is a lil more holy than everyone else. I grew up in a Pastors home and was a pastor myself...I know that that just ain't true.

To be a Gospel preacher seems to require that I lead my people in being "incarnational"(buzzword alert) and I think the Gospel simply cries out against all forms of hypocrisy.

I've begun to wonder if the Protestants haven't become a "lower" form of Roman Catholic with the teaching magisterium and the separation between priest and laity.

[Jen O'Hara]

I don't know...I think it depends upon the pastor. I've had some I could be (and was) completely, totally honest with. And they were tremendous blessings. But there have been others where...I don't know. It seemed like a certain aloofness was necessary; either they gave off an "I don't want to hear about your problems, it just means you aren't trusting/believing God" vibe, or...or...I don't know. I was never comfortable with them and didn't feel I could go speak to them.

Of course, most Christians will look at you as if you've revealed a penchant for dragging people to the top of pyramid-like structures and tearing their hearts out if you dare suggest you are feeling a little discouraged or you're having a problem with sin or prayer or questioning your salvation or are feeling lonely, so perhaps the idea that pastors don't want us to be "real" makes sense.

[Travis Seitler]

I was going to leave a comment with my own thoughts, but before I could I stumbled across a blog post by Alan Knox that conveyed my thoughts better than I might.

[Ken]

I'm trying to start a second career as an SF writer. My writing partner is a burned-out preacher-man from rural PA who pastors a dying country church.

I always knew him as a "middle-aged fat guy with a bad back" who gets weird on many of the same things I do; I never thought of him as "Reverend" anything (except when germane to the subject, i.e. Christian belief and doctrine, like anyone trained in some specialty), and I like to think I provide a reality check.

He has often broached the subject of "looking good in front of the Reverend" to me; he's sick of the phoniness and passive-aggression this has bred, to where you can't be real in any sort of church situation. Like his congregation WANTS the facade and won't settle for anything else. ("What elephant in the living room?") He's occasionally even called me cross-country to rant on it.

[Mwalimu Daudi]

There was a Peanuts cartoon once when Charlie Brown comforts Snoopy for some reason. At the end of the strip, Charlie Brown is in bed and wonders, "Who will comfort the comforter?"

[Jim L]

If it makes you feel any better, I often find that people act differently around me once they find out I am a Christian...but not always. Certainly not the same sanitized treatment you get as a pastor, though.

[Ken]

The church continues to reinforce the distinction between clergy and laity. The idea of the priesthood of all believers seems to be just a reformation idea that has lost much of its punch.

And you keep ragging on us Catholics...

The heresy in question is called "Clericalism"; it's basically the idea that Only Clergy Counts In the Sight of God. It expresses itself in two main forms:

Either

The Clergy becomes a Noble Caste, set above the Laity by Divine Right -- "Touch Not Mine Anointed!" (I'm not talking about formal heirarchical structure; you find the attitude even among the most non-heirarchical "Fellowships". Remember Benny Hinn and his Holy Ghost Machine Gun to blow his critics' heads off? And "I Speak In Tongues and You Don't"? And the curses from the televangelists' pulpits on all who date "touch God's Anointed"? And Tatted Todd of Lakeland and his personal Anointing?)

or...

Laity tries to usurp the specialist functions of Clergy; in some contemporary American Catholic circles, there's been a clericalist pull to "get everybody up on the other side of the altar rail in vestments" that's been consistently slapped down by our Bishops. If everybody's up around the altar, what happens to the rest of us?

[Bosco Peters]

It works both ways doesn't it?
Some put up more of a facade
others let their guard down and are incredibly open & honest.
I guess clergy go both ways also/

Blessings

Bosco+
www.liturgy.co.nz

[Ken Courtney]

As I have come to know pastors over the years, I always listen carefully to the pastor's conversations in social settings. Do they share information about others that is of a private nature? Are they openly critical of others? In private conversation do they betray the confidences of others?

My expectations for a pastor is for them to honor their word, keep private conversations private, refrain from critical talk that is harmful to others, and always deliver God's Word with confidence.

I am thankful for those pastors that have met my expectations and recognize them as worthy of their calling. Sharing your honest thoughts and concerns with such a pastor is of great value and reveals true respect and appreciation one for another. When this pastor presents God's Word, people take note of their authority and honor their commitment to the local church.