Giving Your Worst to Jesus

Lately I have had the opportunity to do a little reflection and self-evaluation and it occurred to me that I have spent a good deal of time hiding behind a veneer of spirituality and competence, or at least trying to.  I spend a good deal of time perfecting a public image that doesn't always match the inward reality.

So, during this time I have taken time to open up what is really in my heart to God, the good the bad and the ugly, but mostly the bad and the ugly.  There is something strangely freeing about that, to acknowledge the worst that is in me before God and to not get zapped is a great experience.  Most of the time, the me I try to present to God in prayer is me at my best, the spiritual guy, the guy who has it under control.  Which would explain the difficulties I have in prayer and other practices of devotion.  The me I try to present to Jesus is often an idealized version of what I hope to become, not the real me.

I have heard it said over and over again that we are to give our best to Jesus, to give 100% or 110% as the case may be.  But I don't know that I have ever been at my best and if Jesus requires my best then, well, I might as well forget about it.  This is why I gravitate to and post things like "Green Berets for Jesus," because they smash my illusions, yet paradoxically give me hope that there is such a thing as grace in this world, and that Jesus isn't a drill sergeant demanding more than we can give.  It is also why I gravitate to Romans 7 - Paul seems to understand what it's like to not give Jesus his best.

I also appreciate Bill MacKinnon's article at the Internet Monk called "I'm Not Spiritual,"  where he lists the following evidences of his lack of spirituality:

Prayer is hard for me: It shouldn't be, should it?

I don't lose myself in worship: I should, shouldn't I?

I'm embarrassed by public displays of piety: Isn't that what it's all about?

I don't like witness-wear: In fact, I'm more than a little ashamed of it. Does this mean Christ is ashamed of me?

I'm not humble: Don't Christians have to be?

I'm not burdened: Not much anyway. Aren't real Christians always burdened?

I don't read my bible every day: Shouldn't I want to?

I sometimes have doubts: About God, my faith, etc. Other Christians don't, do they?

I don't feel God.

Sheesh, with a record like that Bill better hope God is gracious, he's outta luck otherwise.  But isn't that the point?  It seems to me that our efforts to give God our best have two negative consequences:

1. We create fake spiritual persona's to hide the truth of who we are from God.
2. We try to put ourselves into a state where we don't need grace.

It seems to me that if Jesus came to heal the sick, not the well, that He is far more attentive to those who can only give Him their worst, not their best.  And it also seems that if we come to Him honestly, with our worst, we might find Him to be closer than if we always tried to bring Him our best.

Technorati Tags: Religion, theology, Christian, Christianity, spirituality, Jesus, Christ, Jesus Christ
powered by performancing firefox