The Sin of Marital Dissatisfaction

One of the new friends I made at the blogger meetup last week is Carolyn McCulley, author of Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye, and blogger at Solo Femininity.  Carolyn excerpts and comments on the following from Gary Thomas's The Sin of Marital Dissatisfaction:

Whenever marital dissatisfaction rears its head in my marriage -- as it does in virtually every marriage -- I simply check my focus. The times that I am happiest and most fulfilled in my marriage are the times when I am intent on drawing meaning and fulfillment from becoming a better husband rather than from demanding a "better" wife. If you're a Christian, the reality is that, biblically speaking, you can't swap your spouse for someone else. But you can change yourself. And that change can bring the fulfillment that you mistakenly believe is found only by changing partners. In one sense, it's comical: Yes, we need a changed partner, but the partner that needs to change is not our spouse, it's us! I don't know why this works. I don't know how you can be unsatisfied maritally, and then offer yourself to God to bring about change in your life and suddenly find yourself more satisfied with the same spouse. I don't why this works, only that it does work. It takes time, and by time I mean maybe years. But if your heart is driven by the desire to draw near to Jesus, you find joy by becoming like Jesus. You'll never find joy by doing something that offends Jesus -- such as instigating a divorce or an affair.

All I can say is amen and amen.  Well, that's not all I can say, I can always say more - so I will.  I'll just offer one small thought and that is that what Gary is getting at here flies in the face of a significant piece of conventional wisdom in our day.  That is the notion that our emotions are at worst neutral and at best infallible. We tend to think that if someone says the are dissatisfied, or experiencing some other kind of emotion, all the way from anger and rage to being hurt or offended, that these things are unchallengeable. But this is not true - emotions are expressions of a sinful or godly inner life and can and should be examined and challenged. 

Thus, when someone says they are dissatisfied with their marriage partner this ought to be examined.  In the case of so-called 'dissatisfaction" with a marriage partner there are many things that can and should be examined and challenged.  The dissatisfaction may be a godly dissatisfaction when one partner is behaving sinfully toward another.  Being hurt, disappointed, angry or any number of emotions are not wrong in such situations.  But this brings us to another aspect and that is how  we act on those emotions.  There is a way that seems right to a man but it's end is death, and often that is true when acting on emotion - our emotions may tell us to withdraw from a sinful partner. But the biblical picture is that we then turn our attention to a biblical response to suffering and mistreatment.  I'll put the usual and appropriate caveat in here - that if there is physical abuse you should flee - no one should just sit there and take it.  But the biblical response to suffering is going to be very different from our emotional response and we need to challenge, judge, and submit our emotions and responses to the word of God.

While dissatisfaction may be an understandable response to sinful treatment, more often than not it is the result of a narcissistic worldview and unreasonable expectations.  Again, we must examine and judge our emotions and responses.  The sense of dissatisfaction we are experiencing ought to cause us to first examine our own expectations. We ought to remember that idolatry and self-centeredness are the default directions of the heart.

And so, in marriage as elsewhere, we dare not treat our emotions as neutral or infallible.  All of life, including the emotions must be brought under the Lordship of Christ and submission to the Word of God.

Thanks for this Carolyn.