In keeping with this week's theme of levity when it comes to all things theological, and ripping off an idea from my friend Glenn at Common Grounds Online, and his series on "you might be an evangelical if . . . " (here, here and here) I offer the following.
You might be a Presbyterian if . . .
1. You've got a big bushy beard in honor of R. L. Dabney.
2. You can spell
supralapsrian , suprlapsarian, suralapsrian, supralapsarian.
3. When asked to name the twelve apostles you say Matthew, John, James, Andrew, Peter, Nathaniel, Phillip, Simon, Thomas, Augustine, Luther and Calvin.
4. You used to be a Baptist.
5. You started drinking ("in moderation" of course) after you left the Baptist church and became a Presbyterian.
6. Your children's names all begin with "covenant." In other words, normal people have babies, boys, girls, kids, and/or children. Presbyterians, on the other hand have "covenant" children. Instead of introducing your kids as Billy, Bobby and Suzy, it would be more proper to introduce them as Covenant-Bill, Covenant-Bob, and Covenant-Sue.
7. When the spirit comes upon you in power, you don't raise your hands and shout Hallelujuah, rather you scratch your chin, turn to your neighbor and whisper "hmmm, . . . that was a good point."
8. You think fencing has something to do with the Lord's Supper instead of swords.
9. You've considered church discipline for people who watch the NFL on Sunday afternoon.
10. When someone asks you a question about the Bible, you answer, "Well, the confession says . . . " or "the catechism says . . . "
11. Charles Spurgeon is just a little too Arminian for your blood.
12. They aren't "catholics," or even "Roman Catholics." They're "Romanists," or "Papists."
13. You secretly suspect that John Calvin was a liberal because of his compromise on the Sabbath issue.
14. You know the meaning of most or all of the following - PCA, PCUS, PCUSA, PC(USA), PC(U.S.A.), PCUSA(NS), PCUSA(OS), RPCES, RPCNA-GS, RPCNA, EPC, OPC, ARP, NAPARC, CRC, RCA, BPC, BPC-Collingswood, BPC-Columbus, CPC, TE, RE, WCF, WLC, WSC, BCO, UPC, UPCNA, UPCUSA, NPC,
15. You know, or think you know, the difference between "calvinist" and "reformed."
16. You think the phrase "chosen frozen" is a compliment.
I would like to invite others to join me in poking fun at their own denomination, theological tradition or group. We could have a "you might be a charismatic if . . .", "you might be a dispensationalist if . . ." and so on. Since I spent about 10 or 12 years as a Baptist (Southern Baptist that is) I would like to get my Baptist friends started with these . . .
You Might Be a Baptist if . . .
1. Your tie stops an inch above your navel.
2. You consider fried chicken to be the gospel bird.
3. You are very sure that the so-called "wine" in the Bible was unfermented grape juice.
4. When someone asks you what you would be if you weren't a Baptist, you say "I'd be ashamed!!!"
5. You think sword drills have something to do with the Bible and not with fencing.
6. There are really only two "true" first names in the world - "brother" or "sister."
7. Yours is the oldest and most Biblical denomination of all. After all, it was founded by John the Baptist.
And, as always, your additions to these lists would be welcomed and appreciated.