Review of "Hedges" by Jerry Jenkins

Being a sports fan and all, there are a few simple things I have noticed about winning and losing.  First of all, there are things you have to do to win games.  And there are some things you have to do to avoid losing games.  Many teams play good enough to win and still lose because of stupid mistakes.  The winning touchdown is called back because of a penalty, you sign a contract which says you won't ride motorcycles then you ride a motorcycle and tear your ACL, the winning shot is nullified by a three second violation, the golfer is disqualified for signing an errant scorecard.

The book Hedges, by Jerry Jenkins, is a book that tells you how not to lose in the game of marriage. It warns us of stupid mistakes that can damage or permanently ruin marriages, and it gives suggestions for how to avoid them.

I say that it is a book that tells you how not to lose at the game of marriage because, as the title suggests, it offers suggested "hedges" which can keep harmful influences out of the marriage.  Think of the "hedges" as a wall which keeps bad stuff out and good stuff in. 

In this respect, the book tells you how not to lose, but it doesn't speak about life within the hedges, which is where the marriage game is won.  That is not a criticism of the book, just an observation on the book's purpose.  The purpose of the book is not to give positive steps to developing marital intimacy, rather its purpose is to tell you how to keep out the things that can kill intimacy.

I became familiar with this material several years ago in reading an article by Jerry Jenkins on the subject, or it might have been through reading a review of the earlier edition of the book.  The "hedges" that Jenkins talks about are simple steps to protect your marriage such as:

• Never be alone with a member of the opposite sex to whom you are not married.
• Avoid certain kinds of touching members of the opposite sex to whom you are not married - i.e. watch who and how you hug.
• Avoid all flirtation.
• Don't compliment members of the opposite sex, or at least be very reserved in complimenting them.  In other words, say things like "I like your hair," or "nice dress," but not "wow, you are beautiful."

And he has several other suggestions.  Like I said, I read these suggestions several years ago and have sought to live by them in my own marriage and am very glad to have heard them. 

On several occasions in the book, Jenkins mentions that, to some, these things may seem too strict, and he says that these are his particular hedges - someone else might choose more or less.  But I wonder why anyone would argue with any of these suggestions.  Why would a married person want to be alone with a member of the opposite sex?  Why would a married person want to flirt with or touch a member of the opposite sex beyond the formalities of handshakes and light hugs? 

To me these things seem like just so much common sense.  But then again, common sense ain't so common these days.  I am sometimes surprised when I am around Christians who seem a little too affectionate toward members of the opposite sex to whom they are not married.  I have seen men fawn over women and tell them how beautiful they are and I have to wonder how their wives feel about that.  Similarly, I have seen women hang on every word of another man and be very casually touchy with him. 

All of this may seem innocent enough, but Jenkins has some real good horror stories showing where that "innocent" stuff leads.  The devil is in the details, its the little foxes that spoil the vine and its the little things that can end up opening the door to temptation.

My wife is very beautiful and charming, but I have sense enough to know that she is not the only good looking woman in the world with a great personality.  I am fully devoted to her in my heart, but I have sense enough to know that my heart is wicked and deceitful and could be turned easily. 

These hedges are built upon the presupposition that our hearts cannot be trusted.  My old pastor used to the tell the story of a teenage boy walked up to his dad and complained about his dad's strictness and said "bud dad, don't you trust me?"  To which the dad replied "of course I don't trust you, why would you think I would trust you?"  This is not a lack of love, it is reality.  And it is not a lack of love for married folks to take steps to protect themselves from the deceitfulness of their own hearts.

This book is not the last word on marriage, but it is a helpful word on marriage.  To win at the game of marriage there is much more that needs to be done in the way of centering the marriage on Christ and learning how to die to self.  But while you are doing that, building hedges around your marriage is a great means of avoiding the stupid mistakes that will kill you.

This book is in pre-publication status and was provided to me free of charge by Crossway Books for the purpose of this review.  I have not received any financial remuneration or other consideration for this.  I also want to thank Tim Challies at Diet of Bookworms who coordinated and facilitated this with Crossway.