The Purpose Driven Sex Life, Part 3

Alright, can you stand one more post on sex. Before I do, let me acknowledge Terry's comment to my first post on this series and add to what I said about getting more hits. In a prior post I joked that I could find fame and fortune by writing a book called "The Purpose Driven Sex Life." The title alone encapsulates two of the reigning fads of our day, although, at least one of those is not a passing fad. Since I don't have time to write a book I decided to do a post, which has turned into three. Terry said that this may be a breakthrough topic for me and move me up the ecosystem. I just checked it and sure enough - I've jumped 26 spaces in the last two days and am getting more hits than I've gotten in quite awhile. Note to all other bloggers - now you know what to write about if you want more hits and upward mobility in the Truth Laid Bear Ecosystem.

This whole thing started with my reflections on the book Bobos in Paradise and their purpose driven lives. I loved the entire book, but one of the things that stood out to me in that book is Brook's description of Bobos as people for whom life is one long graduate school. They are always trying to learn, grow and increase their proficiency in everything. The aha! moment came in his chapter on pleasure where he described how, even play and vacations, and yes sex, are taken very seriously by Bobos. Bobos do everything they do with a purpose and that goes for sex too.

So, I started this little series, and I suppose I should offer my apologies to Rick Warren and the good folks at Saddleback for shamelessly ripping them off, or not. The fact is that sex does have a purpose in God's eyes, in fact it has several. In my last post I talked about the sacramental significance of sex. There is also the procreative aspect of sex. Another purpose is to develop and express intimacy in marriage. I doubt our forefathers at the Westminster Assembly had sex on their mind when they wrote the catechism, but if the shorter catechism is right when it says that man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever then it stands to reason that sex can be a means of doing so.

So there are several purposes of sex, any of which could be the subject of many posts. But the one purpose I want to focus on is the purpose of enjoyment.

That's right, sex is something to be enjoyed by Christians. I know it seems silly to say that, but in reading the Bobos book, it talked about how Bobos have turned sex into a graduate degree. In the Bible, at least one reason sex was created was to be outrageously fun (I'm thinking Song of Solomon and verses in Proverbs that deal with sexual satisfaction), and I'm afraid that academizing it too much can be a bit like writing theses on playing hopscotch or eating ice cream. Hopscotch and ice cream lose something when you analyze them too much, they are meant to be enjoyed. I know the analogy doesn't fit perfectly, but it really doesn't take a college degree to understand what sex is about. Instead of analyzing it to death, we simply need to enjoy it.

I should backtrack a bit here. I have a suspicion that some Bobos academize sexuality in order to add an air of respectability to their lusts. It just seems a little more refined to look at naked pictures in a classroom than in an adult bookstore. You can have all of the lust without the guilt. But I digress.

In either case, I think Christians have out-Bobo'd the Bobos in this matter in some ways. What I mean is that the Bobos have turned sex into an academic enterprise, but we have done the same and more. The Bobos have their Joy of Sex, we have the Act of Marriage. When I was in college, I was a member of the Baptist Student Union and when ever someone got engaged they would talk about the fact that they would soon be reading The Act of Marriage. But, us freshmen and sophomores were always warned by our senior friends who were getting married not to read that book until one month before the wedding because it would stir up too many desires. Right, as if those desires hadn't already been stirred. Of course, most of this was a bunch of bunk since most of the kids were fooling around anyway, but they had to act like they weren't. Getting to read The Act of Marriage was a kind of right of passage for folks getting married. The Act of Marriage was the hottest read around until Ed Wheat came out with Intended for Pleasure, which had pictures, er tasteful drawings which really didn't show anything.

But in saying that Christians have out-Bobo'd the Bobos in this area I mean to say that we have pretty well analyzed sex to death. I went to a seminar one time where a guy told us how to make sex a three day process. No, he didn't mean that we were supposed to have 72 hours of continuous sex. What he meant was that the man should plan on taking three days to prepare his wife for sex. There were certain steps he should take on day one, then day two, and finally by day three he would have her so swooningly in love with him that she couldn't resist his advances. I've seen other similarly complicated paths to sexual fulfillment. All of this is good to some degree, but it misses out on something very important that the apostle Paul said in I Corinthians 7:1-7. Now, you have to understand that, when it comes to sexual instruction in the New Testament for married couples, this is about the most explicit instructions you get.

Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.  2 But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
The Holy Bible : New International Version. 1996, c1984 . Zondervan: Grand Rapids

I realize there is alot to talk about here but I'll just touch on a few things quickly. First of all, if God has called you to refrain from marriage in order to serve Him then that is a good thing - more power to you - go for it. However, this is unusual. Most people aren't called to this and so they should marry. And getting married is not an ungodly or unspiritual thing. We are sexual beings who desire sex and because of that each person should have a spouse of their own, to protect themselves from immorality. Now, if someone tells me the only reason they want to get married is to have sex then I would question them. But if I ask someone why they want to get married and sex isn't at least some part of it, I think they are lying. The apostle Paul himself here says, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, that one of the reasons to get married is to have sex legally and morally. And we are not to deprive our spouses of sex. The idea of "deprivation" in this passage carries the idea of cheating, stealing or defrauding. Notice that Paul says that the husband is not to deprive the wife, nor the wife the husband. This assumes that both have legitimate sexual desires. Hence, my emphasis on sex as "outrageous fun." This is a desire that God has planted within us that is a desire for pure physical pleasure and enjoyment. And it's not wrong.

(BTW - if you would like a good solid, biblical and theological explanation of how pursuit of our own pleasure can coincide with pursuit of God's glory, read anything by John Piper, particularly Desiring God).

One of the things I note about this passage is that the only reason to withhold sex is by mutual consent for the purpose of prayer. When most people withhold sex, they don't do so for such lofty spiritual reasons. I have heard counselors tell married couples to hold off on the sex when they are having troubles, while they straighten out the troubles. When I counsel troubled couples I tell them the exact opposite - I tell them that if they haven't been having sex they better start. This is not in place of resolving the deeper issues, but while they are resolving the deeper issues they need to be having sex. I've even made them set appointments for sex before they leave so they are committed to it. As Paul said in I Corinthians 7, withholding sex is a recipe for temptration to immorality.

I like what the King had to say about this:

inside of marriage I am a firm believer in rabbit-like behavior. Please your partner completely and let them please you. Often. For this to work, both partners have to understand the differences between their own needs and desires and those of their mate. Believe me, there are some significant differences but nothing that a little understanding and sensitivity can't overcome.

If you read that post by the King please read the comments because he makes some good comments about the fact that, as life goes by, little things like kids, time, and a lack of energy make it hard to have sex like you did on the honeymoon. There is no excuse for a man to come home to his wife who is too tired to walk at the end of the day and demand sex. But the point is that, if you got the time and the energy, there's really no good reason not to have sex, especially if you are a Christian. And you don't have to analyze it to death. Just do it because its fun!

I realize that there is so much more to say, and in fact, I'll go ahead and say a few more things in one more post, which should be the end of this series. I want to address how all of this applies to teenagers and singles. I also realize that some men in particular would take what I just said as license to exploit their wives. In one of his books, Doug Wilson said some things that were similar to what I just said and someone asked him if that means his wife has to have sex with him everytime he wants. Doug replied "don't be a fathead." Doug's right, only a fathead would use this as an excuse to exploit his wife. Sex is ultimately about giving - so there is no excuse to use sex as a mere tool for personal gratification at the expense of one's spouse.

Another issue I want to deal with is how this good news about sex applies in a world where there is so much immorality and abuse. One of the problems I see is that because the church hasn't done a good job of talking frankly about sex, most men first learned about sex by reading or watching pornography, or by talking to their friends in junior high school. It's hard for a man to switch to a more pure approach to sex after such "training" and it is difficult for many to approach sex as a way to give pleasure to one's spouse.

I also want to deal very briefly with the issue of abuse, particularly in relation to women. It will be very difficult for the woman who has been abused to practice I Corinthians 7 simply because she has been imprinted with the notion that sex is an evil thing.

However, having said all of that, I want to conclude for now by saying that for most Christian couples, I Corinthians 7 can be applied without too much difficulty. One of the things Christians are accused of is being too inhibited about sex. True, we do inhibit ourselves a bit when we limit ourselves to sexual expression with one partner of the opposite sex in a lifelong committed relationship of marriage. But, within that context, God gives us a green light to enjoy all of the joys of the sexual relationship that He created.