Relationships #3 - The Bottom Line in Relational Conflict

When I was at the Shepherd's Conference in March there was a Q & A session with John MacArthur and someone asked him a question dealing with some statistics on the use of pornography in the church. I think the guy was asking something to the effect of "what can we do about the fact that 25% (or 50%, or whatever the number is) of Christian men are addicted to internet pornography. The first thing MacArthur did was challenge the statistic - he said that is crazy, its like those marriage statistics which say that more Christians divorce than non-Christians. MacArthur said that anytime you look at those statistics they define a "Christian" so broadly that it is meaningless. His point was that most of these people who are addicted to pornography or are divorcing probably aren't Christians.

I'm still fairly amenable to quoting the statistics, but whenever I quote them I never say that these are Christians, I say that they are church members or attenders. This clarifies things. However, since the church is the public face of Christianity, these statistics make an impact on the world around us.

With that minor caveat, I think MacArthur is spot on. If I could summarize what I think he was saying it would be this:

The disconnect between the church's alleged high commitment to marriage and its high rate of divorce is not so much a failure to teach Biblical principles of marriage, it is a failure to teach the Biblical gospel.

And you could substitute just about any behavioral malady for "marriage" in that sentence and still be pretty correct.

We seem to think that marriage troubles, or any other relational troubles, are the result of things like poor communication, failure to understand the other person's point of view, failure to meet needs, or the all purpose catch-all reason - incompatibility. But this is not the case at all. Relational troubles are rooted in a failure to understand and believe the gospel. The gospel calls us to a life of submission to the lordship of Christ and a life of self-denial. The gospel is not merely a ticket to heaven, its the door to a whole new way of life. And, as Calvin said "self-denial is the sum total of the Christian life."

So, there is simply no way to have healthy relationships amongst people who aren't practicing self-denial. Teach someone who is a lover of himself, or self-obsessed in any way, how to communicate or meet needs and you will produce a very skilled manipulator. Bring that person to Christ and teach them the life of self-denial and you've got the makings of someone who can have healthy, Christ-like relationships.